My mind. My heart. MY Life.

Through Music

2011-07-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

A girl sits in the corner of the coffee shop, curled up in a chair with her laptop and a cup of coffee.

The coffee shop music plays a new song. She closes her eyes.... and a fairytale begins to play out in her mind. Every emotion... every feeling... everything she has ever wanted. To fall in love.. to be loved.. to know that there is that one person out there that loves her and only her. So lost in the fairytale she has created inside her head. Dreaming of falling in love.. being in love so deep that the love she feels makes her weak in the knees at the slightest thought of him. Before she knows it, she is completely in her dreamland, living her fairytale love story. The image of happiness when she closes her eyes, is her being in the arms of someone. To see loving eyes looking into hers.. this is her moment. This is everything she has waited for her entire life. The song ends. Reality begins.

Teeter Totter

2011-03-31T08:46:00.000-07:00

You would think that after so long of the same 'ol... people decide they want change. Especially when the same 'ol is becoming unpleasant. When there are 2 people involved 1 of 3 things can happen. person a adjusts. person b adjusts. both parties adjust.

You can't really expect that if one person adjusts and the other person doesn't that everything will be fine and dandy from that point on. Imagine a teeter totter. Both people can't benefit from it unless both people are putting work into it.

Yeah.. I think that sums it up.

Inside this deployment

2011-03-28T12:11:00.001-07:00

I have been needing to get this out.. and well with all the recent homecomings and send offs in my newsfeed, I can't take it anymore. I gotta get this out there.

This is one time I can tell you, be judgemental. Judge me. Because I really think there is something wrong with me and I am trying to find it. I am trying to see what it is.

I miss my husband. Don't get me wrong. I love him dearly. I miss waking up next to him.. kicking him in the middle of the night bc he is snoring and I can't fall asleep... yelling at him about his stupid xbox games.. giving him the look because he didn't dump the coffee grounds...the horrible smell of his coffee in the morning.. the smell of his cologne after he walks out of the bathroom.. or the fresh piece of gum kiss I get when he walks in the door from work because he is trying to cover up that he had a cigarette ;)... I miss all of that...

Yes this deployment has been hard.. it has been stressful... I guarantee that all the things with the kids would not be nearly as hard as they have been, if I had him here. Because it is 2 people fighting these battles. It is 2 people working together as a team to keep the family in tact. When he's gone, I am taking on the work of 2 people, and that is what weighs so heavy on me.

That being said. I occasionally cry because I am stressed out. I can't take it anymore. I need a break. I need relief. I need things to JUST GET BETTER. I need things to turn around... and I have a weak moment and I fall apart just a little....

But I DO NOT sit and cry my eyes out because my husband is gone. I see people post how much they miss their soldier.. they just want him home.. they are lost without him, etc etc... this isn't about those post. I wish I had those feelings. BUT I DON'T. Of course I want my husband home. However, the way I see it.. he is at work. He is not gone because he chose to leave ME for a year. He chose to serve this deployment for a year which requires him to be gone. The tears I shed are out of frustration. Out of a loss for answers. But not because I can't get through another day without my husband.

I feel like that is cold and heartless. However the preconceived ideas that people have and seem to of convinced themselves about me, couldn't be further from the truth. I accept my husbands deployment 100%. I am unhappy and frustrated with many things that have gone on.. and they are not those of my husband's actions nor are they part of the whole "Army lifestyle" that I should just suck up. They are unit specific and did not exist til he transfered to the unit that was deploying.

Regardless of my frustrations and feelings, they are MINE to feel. No one is anyone to tell me how I can feel and how I shouldn't feel. However if you are going to judge me, know the facts. ALL of them. Before you even consider saying I am unsupportive, self-centered, angry, an "attention whore", all the fabulous comments that fly around about me. Oh and I can't forget "being a disgrace to my husband".

He is doing his job. I am trying VERY hard to do mine. However people love to put themselves in the way of other people's success. I guarantee you things you be less difficult for me if I didn't have to keep hurdling over all the crap people want to throw at me.

Little known fact... I ran 100m and 300m hurdles in high school. Bring it.

As far as how I feel.. I don't know if it is normal. I don't know if it is normal for me to not cry and long for my husband. I want my family together just as much as the next person.. but what does crying about it for a year do for anyone? For me it would just make me feel like crap. But the fact that I don't have days where I don't want to get out of bed and mope around the house SOLELY because I miss him.. is that normal? Because THAT does not happen to me.

(again I am saying NOTHING about anyone who MAY feel like this... I just feel guilty that I DON'T feel like this)

"I should be sleeping.. but these thoughts are keeping me awake"

2011-03-25T00:26:00.001-07:00

Time has gotten away from me, once again. While I need to do a "catch up and recap" of the down time.. this blog is my "I should be sleeping.. but these thoughts are keeping me awake".

Everyone has an opinion.

Everyone thinks their thoughts are right.

Everyone thinks that their voice should be heard.

Everyone believes somewhere within them, that what they say to you SHOULD matter.

Many people go to extremes to voice their opinion.

Many people cross the line because they think they are right.

Many people scream so loud the only thing that can be heard is their voice, not their words.

Many people push until what they say matters.

I am not that person.

I am none of those people.

I have an opinion. I know it is just that. My opinion. My opinion may differ from yours. But it doesn't lessen the value of my opinion, or yours, in any way.

I know the difference between knowing I am right and thinking I am right. I also know the difference between right and wrong. Something I am realizing many people either were never taught or just don't have the capacity to use on daily basis.

I know that I will always have a voice. My words will always mean something.... to me. My life is not to be validated by everyone else.

You don't like me? That's great. You don't like what I have to say? Good for you. You spend so much time judging someone that you don't even know. When you take the time to write even 1 hateful word about another person, you are judging them. Write 2 hateful words, you just upped your judgement meter. A nasty email? Hours of conversation devoted to hateful bashing of this person? Do I really need to continue... it is judging. Have you taken the time to get to know the person you speak so harshly of? Have you gone past the wall that the rest of the world sees, to find out what that person is made of?

I am not saying that everyone needs to be friends in this life. I am saying that it takes a lot more to be the bigger person and let go of the hurt that someone has caused you (not saying forget), than to hold on to it and relive it everyday. The exception to this, is for those who enjoy dragging people through the mud day after day.

God doesn't hate.

And neither do I.

I can honestly say that there are people who have caused significant trauma to my past that they have earned the right for me to hate them, yet I don't. It is not my place to hold them accountable for their horrible behavior. I am a stronger person from all the venom that has been spewed at me in my life. And I am a better person for not turning in to one of those people because of it.

Insulting someone's spouse, someone's child, someone's lifestyle, etc. all because you personally don't care for someone, is reprehensible.

I say this at least once a day, to someone in my life; My mom has always said "you can only be responsible for you and your actions. No one else's." Isn't that the truth.

I learned a long time ago "you can't save them all". Good heavens, as much as I have tried "you can't befriend them all" either. There are some people out there no matter how pleasant they appear on the outside, they are full of hatred on the inside. A cold heart that fuels on the misery of others. I can't change that. You can't change that.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you (Matthew 7:12).”

Can you imagine? How you treat people (not just all your friends.. think about the strangers on the street, the people you curse who you will never meet...) is how you will be treated. Maybe not in this life... but all actions have a reaction. And for the negative actions, there are consequences. Is it worth it? Personally, I don't think so. But there will always be those people, who force their opinions with their screaming voices and push their views down your throat until you utter the words they want you to say. You agree with them. Their view is your view. They're right, you're wrong.

I have no words for either of those types of people. It's not my place to judge them or save them for that matter. They will have consequences... we all will.

Lost hearts on the open road

2011-03-11T18:20:00.000-08:00

Over time, we grow up and often go separate ways from people that once meant a whole lot to us... at a different point in our lives. While our lives may be on different roads now, that doesn't mean that there can't be a pit stop somewhere during this journey we call life where we can meet up and look over the roads that have lead us to where we are now.. and where we are traveling to.

Sounds simple, right?

Wrong.

There are so many things in today's life that complicates what should be the simple catching up with an old friend. However, that is not what this is about.

This is about the hurt that comes along with those complications. Friends are friends. I really hate to do this because I know which certain friends will roll their eyes at me for this.. but I can't help it. So suck it.. and listen. Just LISTEN.

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus

What this means to me... is that I am so happy for your life and where your roads have taken you, as long as you are happy. Always know that you will always be my friend. I will always love you and there will always be a special place in my heart for you. Even if over time we lose touch and wander down different paths, there is only one road to Heaven.

Friends. In HIGH or Low places.

2011-03-07T18:42:00.000-08:00

Everyone's opinions of friends and friendships vary. What is a great friend to some could be considered a crappy friend to other.. and vice versa.

I think a general rule of thumb should apply.

Fair-weathered friends. People you consider friends.. but usually come around only when it is convenient for them.

Good friends. People you talk to and could possibly count on and go to for advice or in a time of need.

True friends. They are there through the high's an low's and when you aren't looking, surprise you by being an amazing friend in your darkest hour.

I know what kind of friend I am, do you know what kind of friend you are?

I think what would hurt me as an individual... as a friend.. is one of my friends thinking that I was not there for them when they needed it. Looking back at my friends that disappear when I could use them the most.. just shows me what kind of friend they really are.. and has taught me to not hold them in the same beaming light I have shined on them in the past.

Apparently I am not the only one.

2011-03-06T22:12:00.000-08:00

My wonderful brother in law directed me to this....

http://awarenessoftheheart.com/wordpress/2008/12/10/dont-look-back-in-anger/#comment-106

Add

Don't Look Back in Anger

Posted: December 10, 2008 at 7:30 am | Tags: awareness, enlightenment, God, knowledge, philosophy,Religion, soul, spirit, spirituality

If I write something and it pisses you off, it angers you, or it makes you question something about yourself, why is that? Am I so wrong that it has caused a visceral feeling in your gut, or could it be that it has stricken a chord because it is true? As I said before, what I write is not about you. Not everything is about you or for you, or maybe it is. You tell me. You are the one who is upset. You are the one who feels the need to question what is written. If something bothers you, ask yourself why? Why are you really upset? Could it be that something inside fights to be heard?

A New Day

2011-03-06T10:18:00.000-08:00

It is a new day... perfect for me... gloomy, wet and rainy and just the way I like it. I tried to sleep last night, but it was difficult to say the least.

These things I know:

For the first time I have seen my husband differently than I have ever seen him before.
We may have our trials and tribulations but our bond to each other is stronger than steel.
I may not have all of the answers.. but I do know that we (he and I) will be ok.

I woke up this morning with an overflowing heart...not a broken heart. The love in my heart overflows for my husband.. for my children.. and for every person I know is a part of my life.

I am so thankful for no longer having a heavy heart... or a clouded mind. Even on a rainy day like today.. I can hold my head up, smile and say.. Everything is going to be ok.

Open for discussion

2011-03-05T18:03:00.001-08:00

Vince's aunt sent this email and requested it be posted on my blog. Respond accordingly. My reply will be below it.

Hi Maryleigh,

As always I hope this finds you and the kids doing fine as I think of you so often.

I debated weather or not to respond to your "blog" and was going to ignore it but then thought, NO I can't do that! Yes, I read what you wrote. And no, it did not come from your in-laws but from a relative here in PA.

I have lived, as have many others within our family, with a serviceman that has been stationed oversea's. This serviceman, Vince included, has one priority right now and that is not his "spouse" nor is it even his children. It is to himself, keeping himself alive and well, and to his country. So stop making this all about yourself. YES, I can read between the lines!

At the time, when Uncle Larry served in Viet Nam on the front line, the only means of communication was by letter. You are so very fortunate that you now have so many means of keeping in touch with Vince that Uncle Larry was not afforded. The one thing he loved was reading about home, weather this included what his mom/dad, brothers or sister, aunts/uncles, grandparents or friends were doing on a daily basis here in the U.S.A. He didn't care if any one of us told him that we went out to dinner, what we had to eat or the color of the napkins we used!!!! It's called keeping in touch!!!

Right now I would think that you would want all the support and love from any family member regardless of past differences, for Vince's sake! I think you need to remember it is not all about you. I don't know what planet you have just landed from nor how high that pedestal is that your on but you need to dig your feet in the good old soil of this great nation and thank all those that served in the name of their country before you for what you have! This includes what Vince is giving up right now by serving his country.

I really regret writing this but it seems that you could care less about what you put into your "blog" about anyone else but yourself. WAKE-UP and get a grip, this is your husbands life that you so carelessly disregard. I was Vince's aunt long before you entered the picture and will always remain his aunt the loves and cares alot about what is happening within his life where ever he may be.

I hope this opens your eyes and ears. This is to let you know how "all" our family feels about Vince and the support that you do have weather your willing to take it or just pass it by because you refuse to see this. I'm sorry if this offends you but right now I don't care. It was so plain that you don't consider anyone else's feelings so I think you need a dose of your own medicine!

I hope you share this entire letter with your fellow "bloggers", they may see the light!

As always,

Aunt Denise

MY REPLY

I gladly will.. obviously you didn't hear about the nasty letter his sister wrote him, or the nasty letter his mother wrote him.. I am merely the "target" because I picked up the phone and said enough is enough. I can gladly share with everyone the IM conversations between Vince and I.. but you are calling me selfish when he is in Iraq and he gets crap from his family for not keeping up communication when they could have cared less about it before he left?
We were very generous with our time with Jil before we left. It was my idea to include her at his send off event.. and my family was their supporting him LIKE always.
Jil's message to him went back to when Vince and I met, as well as BEFORE he and I met. The problems his family had with him STILL get brought up all these years later, even the ones that don't include me. However I am the result of ALL the problems. EVERYTHING is my fault. The lack of communication between Vince and his family is my fault. The problem Vince's parents didn't come to his wedding is because of me. The reason his parents were there immediately after Jil had both of the boys but they could of cared less to see our children, were cause of me. Seriously? What planet am I on? What planet is everyone else on that I am expected to believe that I am that horrible of a person that EVERYTHING is my fault? All the turmoil..all the problems.. it's all my fault?? THAT'S CRAP. Because Debby and I were fine.. and to my knowledge actually building a relationship.. so I thought... I didn't realize I was just being used as her connection to Vince until she could talk to him at her convenience.
You guys care so much about Vince?? I can't wait to see what his response to this is I noticed you didn't include him in your rant. I have NEVER asked him to choose between his family and me.. but I think you just did that on your own. You think this ALL comes from me.. just because Vince would rather not say anything because in his words "all it will do is cause another fight.." or "my mom is never wrong..." that's fine. At the end of the day.. Vince chose to marry me. Regardless of what his family thinks.. we were engaged in Feb.. invitations out.. and 2wks before the wedding I was pregnant. So NO I did not trap him.. and you can kill that little rumor that has gone on for 7 years almost. Vince chose to come out to CA the way he did ON HIS OWN. I told him not to leave like he did. Not to do that to his parents. He wanted to just leave his parents at the hotel when we had the blow up in October when they were here. I said make things right before they go back and before you deploy. I am done being the target. I guarantee you.. ALL OF YOU..since you took the time to send this to EVERYONE... that even if I leave... you will still have your problems with him. They existed long before me.. and they will exist long after me.
Even more so.. Makayden and Maxson are Millers.. but shunning children over having to "be right".. you can chase me out and roll me in the mud all you want.. but my children deserve MUCH more than this.

I am fighting for who I am.

2011-03-04T22:23:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to live in a world where what I want doesn't matter. I am use to having a voice, a very loud one at that. I am use to being able to have some say in my own life. But now it's like because my spouse is in the military and is at their beck and call, my life has ended? How does that work?

I never thought being a military spouse would be easy. I am not stupid and I surely am not naive. But putting my own life on hold? Putting my goals and dreams aside so someone else can fulfill theirs? Fine.. I've done that. Am I really expected to do that for the rest of my life??

If giving up everything I am as a person.. the being that has made my soul.. in order for someone else to live their life.. then something is wrong. I can't live in a world where my life is all about someone else.. and their life is all about them. Aren't we both suppose to make our lives about each other? AND still care about OURSELVES?

I can't do it anymore. I can't give 110% knowing that I am getting 0% in return. If I give you 110% and you give yourself 110%, what the hell do I get? I'm over this. I can't do it anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I have a choice to adapt to the person I am becoming.. or fight for who I am.

I am fighting for who I am.

It is not always about you.

2011-03-02T21:23:00.001-08:00

I talk to a lot of people, in various environments daily.

Many of my blogs are inspired by conversations I have with other people about what is going on in their lives. However, just because their circumstances prompted my thought process, doesn't mean that I can't relate to what they are going through.

That being said.. I am passionate when I write. I only blog when I'm fumed or broken about something. I don't just write because I am bored. I write to stop thinking about it so I feel that my thoughts have been productive.

So if you think I am talking about you.. I'm more than likely not. But the fact that you THOUGHT what I said was about you...what does that say about you?

Push and Pull

2011-03-02T02:11:00.000-08:00

I don't get it. I really do not get it. I hope by the time I am done writing this.. I will get it.. but I really doubt it.

How can people WANT people in their lives and then pull them like the strings of a puppet? Is it control? Is it power? What is it?

I watch people I love and care about, myself included, be manipulated and hurt by the actions of others. And for why? Because we care about other people? What the f? No seriously... what... the f?

I want to throw my hands up in the air, scream I'M DONE!!!!! and walk away... from every person who has ever been a half-ass friend to me. For every person that has let me down. For every person that has ever disappointed me.

............but doing that, wouldn't be me.

I am THEIR friend. They are NOT mine. Something my mother told me years ago. I will always be a better friend to them, than they are to me. What upsets me, is how ANY can treat someone this way, and call themselves a friend. Maybe they don't see it.. maybe they are too selfish to care.

I am thankful that I live a life where I don't need self-validation from other people. While, yes I would love more 2-way friendships, I am perfectly content with the people in my life I know are my true friends. Everyone else... yeah.. you know who are... I'm not going to call you out. It's not my responsibility for you to be a better friend. That's your own choice.. But it is my responsibility to not allow you to hurt me.

If you can relate to this.. I suggest you do what I do.. and put THEM on notice. We are the friends who love unconditionally, are there at 2am, or at 3pm on a lazy Sunday afternoon.. we are the friends that don't give up on others, we are rare, we are strong, we are resilient.

And when you push us away... we pull you back in.

I highly suggest that you if can't deal with having someone in your life who apparently cares more about you, than you care about yourself... that you kick rocks.

Stand Beside. Not infront of or behind.

2011-02-27T10:56:00.000-08:00

Stand Beside a soldier..... Not infront of or behind.

Stand beside a soldier and support them through the thick and thin. Stand beside them and let them know they have someone to lean on, they have someone who will be there for them when the ones they look for are not.

This doesn't apply to significant others. This applies to family... and friends... of a soldier.

Do not stand infront of a soldier, making everything be about you. Honestly, they don't want to hear all about your neighbor's recent surgery, or what you cooked for the week. Grow up and realize that there are more important things than the things you care about. Their worries and concerns are much greater than what you baked today. Take the time to ask how their day was? How they are doing? Don't just make some casual closing remark as if you care about their well being, after you just got done talking about yourself for 15 minutes.

Do not stand behind a soldier, saying you support them but never bother to show it. Deployments tend to bring out the best and worst in people.. so if your true colors haven't shown yet, they will now. If you want communication, you must give it. It goes both ways and NOT just during deployment. If you want to be in CONSTANT communication with a soldier.. don't expect to randomly talk to them before they deploy and then suddenly take an interest in communicating with them once they have deployed and then whine because you don't hear from them.

Deployment. War zones. The middle east. Even I don't watch the news regularly and I know what to expect and what not to expect.

Quit making a soldier's deployment be about you. The only people they have an obligation to contact are their significant others and/or children if they have them. Anyone else who receives any contact during the deployment should feel privileged..and not expect or demand more.

So STAND BESIDE a soldier... do not stand infront of behind.

The reality of it all

2011-02-21T21:06:00.001-08:00

An hour and a half in the car today sparked a lot of thoughts amidst the car karaoke. I felt clarity for a brief moment through the clouds that rained on me this morning. I have come to the realization that my own mind is holding me prisoner.

I am a prisoner to the horrible thoughts that visit me when I lay my head on the pillow and try to fall asleep every night. I feel like a paranoid schizophrenic that is trapped in hallucinations every time I have a quiet moment to myself. The truth is I have always forced myself to face the possible realities. What if something happened to my parents, when I was younger. What if something happened to one of my children. What if something happens to my husband. I have never been able to NOT think like this. The way I see it.. is I have to prepare myself for the what if.. because if I don't.. and something happens.. I will be that person that completely snaps because they thought nothing bad could happen.

Now don't get me wrong.. I don't consume myself with morbid thoughts... but as things change.. distance separates us more and more.. it is really hard to not let the "what if's" impact my thoughts.

I know that there may be days where I have to force myself out of bed. Which is horrible enough for me to admit because I am a mom.. and my children need me. But the truth is, there is no one to pick me up, hold my hand, wipe my tears and tell me everything will be ok. No one knows that everything will be ok. We say that because we need have to have something to fill the void.

So while I appreciate the hugs.. the support.. the prayers... know that what I really need is to find a way to come to terms with everything in my own way.. on my own time. I am a military wife. I may never be fully prepared for the car to pull up infront of my house; or that phone call in the middle of the night... and this is my way of coping with the reality that these are potential outcomes that come with this lifestyle. I know it's so much easier to say "just live every day"... but telling me not to worry.. is like telling a nun not to pray. (I know.. ironic analogy..shut it.)

I knew what we signed up for.. I knew when we made this decision together. I just never anticipated it to all happen so quickly. But it did.. and I am dealing with it. Maybe not in the way that everyone sees fit.. but in a way that works for me.. for now. As my friend... as my family.. as someone who supports me... know that what works for me is allowing myself to wallow in self pitty when I feel the need; shutting the world out until I feel like a functioning member of society again; or not answering your calls because I know that hearing your voice may be the straw that breaks what little strength I have found that day.

I am broken. I am alone. I am beyond scared.

I am strong. I am a fighter. I am and have always been, a survivor.

This is the reality of it all.

It's just one of those days.

2011-02-15T12:41:00.000-08:00

It has been forever and a day since I have written... and obviously that is not the best thing for me. I feel like I have so much bottled up, I end up taking it out on someone through a random text message that ends up becoming some 10 page text message. So here I am. My fingers are flying faster than I can think..and like always... I don't back space... unless it is some horrible typo.

My life is not simple. Makes sense because I have never been considered a simple person. The other day my mom told... I have always had the wild horse spirit and need to run free. Wow, that applies to so many things in my life.

At times I wonder why we are put on the paths that lead us to where we are. But I learned a long time ago not to question why things happen. I hate the "everything happens for a reason" crap because it's lame. It's true.. but the saying is just so cliche. Without the things we go through we wouldn't be the people we are today. I believe that. I feel that. But at what point does all the extra garbage just become unnecessary?

I mean really. How much hurt can one person endure? How much hurt can one person put another one through before they realize that they are literally f'ing that person up? Words hurt people. Actions hurt people. Just because you think it's no big deal, doesn't mean that there isn't someone else out there who could negatively be affected by it.

For every action there is a reaction. Why people are surprised when my reaction is some monstrous blow up.. I have no clue. Do you NOT know me? Do you NOT realize that I love deep, I hurt deep? Stand in front of a mirror. Look at the person you are so proud to call YOU. Keep looking...

Now look at me.

What's different? Other than obvious you are you, I am me...

The things YOU do.. I would NEVER do. I put people before myself. STORY OF MY LIFE. I give uncontrollably. I love unconditionally. Because I choose to not turn my head to some lame action on your part doesn't make me insensitive and unable to love you unconditionally. It means I am disappointed in you. I expect more from you. I believe that you are more than the selfish actions you so easily display.

But none of this means anything. I could literally sit and scream at the top of my lungs how bad your actions hurt me.... I've done it... and nothing I say or do gets through to you. NOTHING. Because he we are.. all this time later... you are still doing you... and I am still doing everyone else but me. This is a vicious cycle that honestly I should have stopped a long time ago. But like always.. I thought I could fix it. I thought I could change it.

The truth is.. no matter how hard you love someone.. it's never enough. Especially if they don't love themselves half as hard. I am fighting a war with myself at this point because I am the only one who seems to give a damn.

Don't assume you know me

2010-07-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

One thing I really hate.. is people who think they know me. Really? You really think I am THAT person? Wow.. then you must have never really knew me at all if you think I am capable of something that is way out of my characteristics.

It makes me so mad. SOOOO mad. I am so angry. It's not even funny.

Am I the only one?

2010-07-20T01:42:00.000-07:00

Is it common to wonder...

Do other people view me as the same kind of friend I see myself as?

Do others think as highly of my friendship qualities as I do?

Do others miss me and wish they had more time with me as I do them?

I mean anyone can say anything and straight up blow smoke up my ass.. and some can say it out of the obligation of needing to say it... but there are so many times I just feel so... friendless.. and just wish my friends from far away were much closer to me.. and I guess I just wonder... am I the only one?

Hard to love

2010-07-10T00:38:00.000-07:00

We spend our lives fighting to be happy. I learned a long time ago the only way to be happy is to make your own happiness. But what if your happiness is in someone else? I know that is totally against the whole rule.. but really.. IT IS these other people that make me happy.

I don't think there is anything wrong with my children making me happy. My dogs making me happy. Oh I love me some Bentley! (I need to let that little guy in the house more often) But for some reason I feel like it is so wrong, for me to have my husband be a form of MY happiness. It's not like I am relying on him in anyway to make me happy. I know better than that. And not just towards him.. TOWARDS ANYONE. You CANNOT rely on anyone to make you happy.

But he.. who he is.. the person I married.. he makes me happy.

So maybe that is why I am so angry and resentful in a time like now where I feel he has let me down. I am disappointed in him and upset with him for what.. for being him? I guess.

I know at times I expect too much out of him. OK OK.. like all the time. But I don't think that is a bad thing. I know I say it's just much easier to expect nothing from him.. that way I am not disappointed in him. But really.. I have expectations for him. Because I know his potential. I know what he is capable of. I see it in him.. I see it with him and other people... but why don't I see it with me?

I know that I can be "hard to please"... but being hard to please... doesn't mean hard to love....or does it?

Where is MY God?

2010-06-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

I never thought that the day would come where I would question my beliefs. Question my religion. Question the existence of God.

But EVERYONE tells you pray... pray about it.. pray.. pray..pray. So I pray and I pray and I pray... and I am begging God to help me.. I am begging God to show me guidance... I am begging God for answers. I WILL TAKE JUST 1... and all that happens is my life continues to spiral even more out of control at an even faster pace.

I feel like at this point I am not even in my own body anymore. I feel like I am watching this awful train wreck from a distance. Nothing I can say.. nothing I can do... no prayers.... are stopping this derailment.

So where is my faith? Where is MY GOD? Where is my strength? I think that is when you realize that you have lost all hope.

I can't tell you how many times a day I ask myself.. I ask God... HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHAT AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR? I know that bad things happen to good people.. but really? What on Earth did I do to deserve this? I feel like I am being punished every second I take a breath.

I am convinced I am nothing but a walking, breathing, living doormat for almost everyone around me. This includes my children. I am convinced my only purpose in this life is to be at everyone's beck and call. And if the laundry doesn't get done, or someone's something doesn't get fixed.. how dare I! How dare I not grovel at the feet of every person in my life.

I am this HORRIBLE person, that deserves to have no friends... and have NO ONE talk to me.. including my parents, aunts, uncles, you name it.. BECAUSE I REFUSED TO CHOOSE ONE PERSON OVER ANOTHER. I wasn't raised like that. I don't care if one person is my blood.. the other person had done nothing to me that I should have just kicked them to the curb. But because of this, I can be slandered all over town.. to my family.. my friends.. people I have never even met.. but now am coming in contact with because of my new job. Great. What do I say to that? I'm sorry.. she's mad because I didn't do what she told me to.

STORY OF MY LIFE.

Maybe that is my problem. Maybe everyone is so damn use to me doing EVERY single thing they ask or TELL me to do.. that the second that I have a thought of my own.. I am damned to hell.

This personal hell that I am stuck in, that has taken away every piece of my personality that makes me ME, and has left me this numb, angry, lost soul... what on Earth is this my punishment for?

Not being bullied to hurt someone else?

Giving up my world for someone else?

Sacrificing everything I can to make sure other's don't have to?

Or maybe just the simple fact that I am sitting here being extremely selfish... by saying how selfless I am. I guess I am just a selfish, narcissistic person who deserves everything she has gotten.

How on EARTH can God not hear my screams?

Lonely tears

2010-06-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

I am the type of person that if I see someone crying.. it breaks my heart.

If I see someone pouring their heart out.. I can't help but feel for them.

How can anyone.. much less anyone who says they love someone.. sit and watch them cry? And not just cry.. but tears of pain. Tears of hurt. Tears of pure sadness.

I was in church one day and during singing...the girl in front of me just started crying. I didn't know her.. I had never seen her.. but when the song was over.. I tapped her on the shoulder and said "I saw you cry and I just have to hug you".

That is me.. that is who I am. Why don't I deserve that?

Max Update

2010-06-19T11:57:00.001-07:00

Max had his follow up appointment with the GI on thursday. He had an xray done immediately before.

The xray showed he is NOT constipated. He is FULL of gas though. I saw the xray and he had about 15 small little gas pockets all in his bowels and then 2 big ones.. one was the size of an orange.

This is our new routine:

1.6ml Zantac in the morning

7.5mg of Prevacid at night

Eryped 4x a day

Gas drops 4x a day

So far..he has improved.

He still has blood in his stool, a month and a half later.

If he does not improve, I have to go back to cutting all those fab things out of my diet again. If he doesn't improve after that.. then he needs to have an Endoscopy done, and a biopsy done up the butt. We are PRAYING we don't have to get to this point.

I haven't had to use the HappiTummi in 3 days. *Fingers Crossed***praying prayers have been answered

Thank you everyone for your continuous prayers and support.

Negativity

2010-06-17T18:18:00.000-07:00

Negativity has the power to consume us.

If you hear you aren't good enough... if you feel you aren't good enough.. if you have enough negativity fueled into your system long enough.. you will start to believe it.

.....Start to believe that you are not good enough.

......Start to feel you aren't good enough

.......Start to believe you don't matter

.........Start to feel you don't belong

You become your worst enemy. Simple tasks become difficult chores. And yet at the end of the day you realize... I made it out of bed today... I can do it again tomorrow... I just don't know how.

I am a survivor.

2010-06-16T21:09:00.002-07:00

Why is that when you think that you are finally getting everything under control... life throws you and unexpected... hurricane?

I understand that life is unpredictable... marriage is unpredictable.. but how can you work so hard to try to do right by everyone around you and it still not be enough to live a happy life. How can you give 100% of yourself only to not recognize the person in the mirror starring back at you.

How can one day you feel every emotion that God allows us to feel.. and the next day.. you are completely numb.

I know these are questions that don't have answers.. which is why they were written as statements. I know that no one has all the answers and part of life is finding ourselves. But how much turmoil must we suffer just to "rise above". I want my happily ever after. I have paid my dues in the crapstream department. I have survived the "mean girls" of high school. I have survived heartbreak. I have survived being sexually assaulted. I have survived an abusive husband who tried to kill me not once, but twice. I have been drug through the mud more times than I care to count.. or remember.. and I have survived them all.

Yes I am a fighter. Yes each thing I tackle makes me stronger. Yes I am a survivor.

But at what point do you get to stop fighting.. and just enjoy life. Enjoy all the things you have fought for. Enjoy looking in the mirror. Even more so... being able to recognize the person in the mirror.

Time to grab my dance shoes!

2010-06-08T23:38:00.000-07:00

Well apparently life thought that I do not have enough going on already..so a new chapter has been added to my every growing book of life.

I have talked to.. I don't even know how many now... different dance groups and organizations about teaching or coaching. None of them seem to rub me the right way. I am very particular. I don't do this for the money.. the fame.. there isn't really any. I do it because I love it. It makes my heart happy and makes my soul fly.

That being said.. I think...I think.. I have met my match. It is a new studio opening in Clovis. Fowler and Nees. Called Ballroom Dance Academy. No.. I am not teaching ballroom.. not yet at least ;). But I will be teaching a wide range of classes, from Pre-K to Jr. High level. I am still recovering from the c-section and it will take me awhile to get my body back in top dance capability.. but when I do.. I will take on the high school and adult classes. I just know that right now if I did.. I would be lying on the floor after the first class. And I was honest and told the owner that!

So I will be teaching :Pep and Cheer, Hip Hop, Beginning Ballet, Pre-K/Kinder Gym, and my fav..... Intro to Lyrical. The studio opens 6/21 and classes will be scheduled as needed. So while there may not be a class you want 1 week.. it could be there the next week as long as we can fill it. I will also be doing privates.

for more info... ballroomdanceacademy.net

Oh and MOMS... they have Hula, Hula fitness, Pole-Dancing and all the ballroom classes you can imagine!

Validation

2010-06-07T23:27:00.000-07:00

Who is anyone to tell another person that what they feel is validated?

YOUR FEELINGS ARE YOUR FEELINGS.

Do not let anyone tell you that you do not hurt.

Do not let anyone tell you that you cannot love.

Do not let anyone tell you that you are not sad.

Do not let anyone tell you that you are not worth something.

You do hurt.

You do love.

You are sad.

You are worth everything in the world.

The things we feel, the things we carry.. they affect who we are, what we do, and where we go in life. Unfortunately everyone is entitled to their own opinion and some people haven't learned when to express their opinions and when to keep their damn mouths shut.

White walls

2010-06-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

A dark room full of thousands of people... loud music... and tons of crazy lights; yet all I see is a bright white empty room with no sound.. and I am the only one there.

I search to find my comfort and to be able to step out of myself long enough to realize that the way I feel will pass and that it is just a phase. The truth is what I am feeling will not pass and it is not a phase.. it is the beginning. The beginning to an uncertain future. The beginning of many sleepless nights. The beginning of waiting for my phone to ring.. well.. my skype to ring. The beginning of going days without sleep, days without communication, days without smiles, days without laughter, 365 days without him.

He hasn't even left yet and I feel like there is this little voice inside my head and all it does is scream. And it is screaming so loud, but it's all alone and no one can hear it. I can only hear it if I pay very close attention. The screams.. they remind me of Bella in New Moon. Terrified and alone.

I know when this is all said and done, I will look back and pat myself on the back and say "well, you did it". Just like I did before. Yet this feels different. So different. And I wish it was so much easier to explain how I feel to other people.. but other than letting it out here.. I just feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Married to the National Guard

2010-06-07T19:19:00.001-07:00

I knew we signed up for HURRY UP AND WAIT when DH joined the military. What I DID NOT sign up for is leave me in the dark, alone and scared. I am flippin LIVID with the NG.

It is not enough that my husband stepped up and VOLUNTEERED for deployment.. I don't think it is too much to ask for his family to have some type of support network. We have nothing. No FRG.. no liasion (although I have "heard of one")..no support what so ever.

To make it worse.. he is now being transfered to a different unit.. 2-4 hours away (there are 2 locations).

So now.. I am officially alone. And please don't say I am not alone..I have you guys.. I know I do. But sometimes.. it's not enough. All I want is someone near me who knows what I am going through. I have to friends that are navy wives.. but a 6month cruise.. doesn't compare to a 1year deployment in my opinion. They get their SO's back after 6months... with no R&R.. I may have to wait 6months or more for R&R.. just for him to leave again. So while they may be supportive.. it's still not the same to me.

I took 2 anxiety pills like 30min ago.. I am at my wits end and we are still months away from deployment. I am not about to say I am not strong enough to do this.. because I made it through BCT and AIT totaling 7months. But there is something different than before... I can't put my finger on it.. but I thoroughly feel alone.

Crowded room

2010-06-06T23:09:00.001-07:00

My chest is tight.. I am having a hard time breathing.. I am burning up.. (thank you hormones).. and I feel like I just need to cry. Apparently bawling during Marley and Me today wasn't enough.

I am stressed. EVERYONE has been telling me lately how much I do, how busy I am, how I am supermom.... but through my eyes.. I do nothing. I sit on the computer all the time.. I have no life.. All I do is nurse the baby, clean, try to sleep, nurse the baby, entertain the kids, nurse the baby, sit on AWF/FB, nurse the baby, nurse the baby, nurse the baby.

I feel claustrophobic and I feel like that is a horrible thing to say. I feel the days ticking down til deployment. I feel my future getting out of my reach. I feel the loss of control happening... I feel... almost numb.

Bad decisions

2010-06-06T00:18:00.000-07:00

What is worse than making bad decisions??? Surrounding yourself with people who make horribly, consistently bad decisions.

Here is just an example...

The worst thing an alcoholic could do is hangout in a bar. Much-less work there. Much-less have friends that spend their free time getting trashed. I honestly believe someone who suffers from any type of addiction does not have the will power to fight the temptation.

Friends in low places

2010-06-02T23:26:00.001-07:00

I hate when I get into a funk.. but sometimes it can't be avoided. Like the people around you that no matter how hard you try to be positive.. they just manage to piss on your freakin parade. I am sick of it. I am so tired of feeling alone when I know that I am not. I have an amazing support system.. friends and family... but sometimes.. it's just not enough?? How horrible sounding is that.

I miss my best friend of 13 years. I don't miss her per-say... I miss our friendship. But it wasn't even a friendship. It was a sham. Some know the whole story and I really don't feel like getting into it. But it's like that Lifetime movie.. Who is Clark Rockafeller? Yeah.. that reminds me of her. Not to that extent.. but the lying for sure. But there was something about having her in my life that made me feel more complete as a person. I guess I felt like I mattered to someone who needed me and depended on me (not in a user way) other than my children or people who are suppose to love you because they are related to you.

I have amazing great friends now.. don't get me wrong. I just... fear that I am in the repetitive cycle I have been in my ENTIRE life. I am always the one who loves deeper, harder and stronger... and I wonder what it's like on the other end? I wonder what it is like to have a friend who thinks the sun rises and sets in me... can't wait to plan things with me.. would come see me from cross the country... would call me their best friend.

I have friends that I am very close with and this isn't about the lack of their friendship in anyway. It's just about my perception of what I once had.. and what I do have now and there is some unhealed hurt. It also doesn't help.. that as we get older and people grow apart.. I have friends that I consider to be very near and dear to me.. but I know without a doubt.. they don't cherish me as a friend in the way I do them...well wait.. maybe they do... but I don't know because they don't talk to me anymore. Just whenever it's convenient I guess.

Welcome to life... welcome to adulthood. I guess we were all warned it sucked.

Just keep walking...

2010-05-25T09:45:00.000-07:00

How can people live with themselves when they hurt other people? I know personally I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders regardless if I am involved or not. But that is just me. I know that the rest of the world does not see things the way I do, but why does it seem like care and compassion is a evaporating quality nowadays?

True story. Back in April, Marianne and I were running to the mall and then to grab dinner. As we were walking into the mall we saw a Fresno Police Officer assault someone. We have no idea what happened before.. leading up to this incident.. but to an innocent bystander.. it looked like excessive force. There were a lot of people just standing around watching and talking about it.. I think we were all in disbelief... I called and filed a complaint.

That night a SGT called me back.. we started playing phone tag.. life happened and I figured it wasn't important. A couple of days ago a CPT called me.. then the SGT again.. phone tag begun. (I left messages telling them to call my house phone but they kept calling my cell phone) 9pm last night the SGT knocks on my door. He has reviewed the video tape, the statements and there are some things that make him question if the officer did infact use excessive force. So I gave my statement... and it's going to IA.

Marianne and I both got a lot of crap from friends and family because we said something. Well if it were you... wouldn't you hope that someone would have a voice for you? I do. Which is why I called. And it is exactly what I told the officer. I am sorry that my friends feel that maybe we were out of line.. but I personally couldn't sleep at night if I had just kept walking. Especially knowing what I know now.

So that brings me back to my original thought... why does it seem like I know 3245628043718718035781305780135135112 people.. and about 50 of them have care and compassion for others? Do I need to reevaluate my friendships? Do I just chalk it up to personality differences? Am I being too picky and expecting something that isn't possible like blood from a rock? Or does everyone else need to step it up a bit and stop caring only about themselves? I swear I feel like every rant in my life comes back to the same things. Selfish people. Self-centered people. I guess I should finish that with... lonely people.

Breaking the ice

2010-05-25T00:28:00.000-07:00

Well I have been thinking about blogging for a long time now. I feel like I have so much running through my mind at any given moment.. it needs to go somewhere. And the usual suspects deserve a break from my ranting and raving.

I have a big heart...at least I think so. Others would disagree.. I think. I guess there are some out there who think that I have no care or compassion for them. The truth is it takes a lot for me to write someone off for good. I can actually tell you there is someone out there who doesn't deserve an ounce of my goodwill.. but I do not wish him harm... I don't wish him well... but I hope that he finds happiness wherever that may be. It wasn't with me.. nor do I think I deserve the things that transpired and greatly affected my life and the life of my child... but I am who I am because of the things that I went through. And well.. he is who he is through his choosing. Who is living their happily ever after??? I know I am.

My point is.. I give people way too many chances. It takes a lot for me to give up on them.. a lot for me to throw my hands up and walk away. Here's where that changed.

I have found recently that my "patience" and "tolerance" level have acquired a short fuse. I have never been one to hold much patience, but what I did have has recently dwindled to almost nothing. I feel... that I am an adult. I am tired of having to hold my opinions in JUST to appease someone else. If you can't take what I have to say with your big boy/girl underpants on then that's not my problem...anymore. I am so tired of loving unconditionally... and with that means holding my tounge and keeping my mouth shut. FOR WHAT!?!? So that it can hurt me? So that I can walk around with my heart broken because Heaven FORBID I tell you that what you are doing hurts me? No more. No more.

I LOVE MYSELF. I love my family. I love my husband. I love my children. I love all 500 million pets I have. Do not judge me because I have the cojones to stand up to you. Respect my decision to voice my feelings to you and to not carry them with me til I die, building up resentment and hate. And be an adult.. AGREE to DISAGREE. Having differences in opinion builds character. I would rather live alone and be full of character, than surrounded by people who constantly blew smoke up my a$$ because they were too afraid of how I would handle reality.

Follow me... don't follow me... it doesn't matter. I just have a lot to say... and I'm tired of holding it in.