Time again?

I came to my blog to pull some old posts from 2 years ago....and I found myself reading the words that meant a lot to me quite some time ago. I guess I have surprised myself that I have learned, from myself. Things that I wrote, 2 years ago, I am able to apply to situations that have occurred in my life recently. I almost feel like the person then, is talking to the me, now.

If you are in the mood to read... check out this post.. on judging others.. and how we treat other people.
http://posh007.blogspot.com/2011/03/i-should-be-sleeping-but-these-thoughts.html

Deployment is showing it's ugly head, and oddly enough, I find myself here. I started writing before the last deployment.. and haven't felt a desire to write, until right now. So get ready to ride this bumpy road ahead!

Life's Battles

I have come to the realization that it takes twice as much work and patience to reintegrate a family, than it does to deal with the separation.

Being apart is never easy. We dream of the reunion and being together again. You can't prepare for the personality changes, lifestyle changes, mood changes. You take all that and multiply it by the number of people in the family, obstacles are bound to stand in the way of that picked fence dream.

No one ever wants to say that the stress and heartache was worth it in the end. However, if you can survive the war... you are strong enough for life's battles.

Through Music

A girl sits in the corner of the coffee shop, curled up in a chair with her laptop and a cup of coffee.

The coffee shop music plays a new song. She closes her eyes.... and a fairytale begins to play out in her mind. Every emotion... every feeling... everything she has ever wanted. To fall in love.. to be loved.. to know that there is that one person out there that loves her and only her. So lost in the fairytale she has created inside her head. Dreaming of falling in love.. being in love so deep that the love she feels makes her weak in the knees at the slightest thought of him. Before she knows it, she is completely in her dreamland, living her fairytale love story. The image of happiness when she closes her eyes, is her being in the arms of someone. To see loving eyes looking into hers.. this is her moment. This is everything she has waited for her entire life. The song ends. Reality begins.

Teeter Totter

You would think that after so long of the same 'ol... people decide they want change. Especially when the same 'ol is becoming unpleasant. When there are 2 people involved 1 of 3 things can happen. person a adjusts. person b adjusts. both parties adjust.

You can't really expect that if one person adjusts and the other person doesn't that everything will be fine and dandy from that point on. Imagine a teeter totter. Both people can't benefit from it unless both people are putting work into it.

Yeah.. I think that sums it up.

Inside this deployment

I have been needing to get this out.. and well with all the recent homecomings and send offs in my newsfeed, I can't take it anymore. I gotta get this out there.

This is one time I can tell you, be judgemental. Judge me. Because I really think there is something wrong with me and I am trying to find it. I am trying to see what it is.

I miss my husband. Don't get me wrong. I love him dearly. I miss waking up next to him.. kicking him in the middle of the night bc he is snoring and I can't fall asleep... yelling at him about his stupid xbox games.. giving him the look because he didn't dump the coffee grounds...the horrible smell of his coffee in the morning.. the smell of his cologne after he walks out of the bathroom.. or the fresh piece of gum kiss I get when he walks in the door from work because he is trying to cover up that he had a cigarette ;)... I miss all of that...

Yes this deployment has been hard.. it has been stressful... I guarantee that all the things with the kids would not be nearly as hard as they have been, if I had him here. Because it is 2 people fighting these battles. It is 2 people working together as a team to keep the family in tact. When he's gone, I am taking on the work of 2 people, and that is what weighs so heavy on me.

That being said. I occasionally cry because I am stressed out. I can't take it anymore. I need a break. I need relief. I need things to JUST GET BETTER. I need things to turn around... and I have a weak moment and I fall apart just a little....

But I DO NOT sit and cry my eyes out because my husband is gone. I see people post how much they miss their soldier.. they just want him home.. they are lost without him, etc etc... this isn't about those post. I wish I had those feelings. BUT I DON'T. Of course I want my husband home. However, the way I see it.. he is at work. He is not gone because he chose to leave ME for a year. He chose to serve this deployment for a year which requires him to be gone. The tears I shed are out of frustration. Out of a loss for answers. But not because I can't get through another day without my husband.

I feel like that is cold and heartless. However the preconceived ideas that people have and seem to of convinced themselves about me, couldn't be further from the truth. I accept my husbands deployment 100%. I am unhappy and frustrated with many things that have gone on.. and they are not those of my husband's actions nor are they part of the whole "Army lifestyle" that I should just suck up. They are unit specific and did not exist til he transfered to the unit that was deploying.

Regardless of my frustrations and feelings, they are MINE to feel. No one is anyone to tell me how I can feel and how I shouldn't feel. However if you are going to judge me, know the facts. ALL of them. Before you even consider saying I am unsupportive, self-centered, angry, an "attention whore", all the fabulous comments that fly around about me. Oh and I can't forget "being a disgrace to my husband".

He is doing his job. I am trying VERY hard to do mine. However people love to put themselves in the way of other people's success. I guarantee you things you be less difficult for me if I didn't have to keep hurdling over all the crap people want to throw at me.

Little known fact... I ran 100m and 300m hurdles in high school. Bring it.

As far as how I feel.. I don't know if it is normal. I don't know if it is normal for me to not cry and long for my husband. I want my family together just as much as the next person.. but what does crying about it for a year do for anyone? For me it would just make me feel like crap. But the fact that I don't have days where I don't want to get out of bed and mope around the house SOLELY because I miss him.. is that normal? Because THAT does not happen to me.

(again I am saying NOTHING about anyone who MAY feel like this... I just feel guilty that I DON'T feel like this)

"I should be sleeping.. but these thoughts are keeping me awake"

Time has gotten away from me, once again. While I need to do a "catch up and recap" of the down time.. this blog is my "I should be sleeping.. but these thoughts are keeping me awake".

Everyone has an opinion.

Everyone thinks their thoughts are right.

Everyone thinks that their voice should be heard.

Everyone believes somewhere within them, that what they say to you SHOULD matter.

Many people go to extremes to voice their opinion.

Many people cross the line because they think they are right.

Many people scream so loud the only thing that can be heard is their voice, not their words.

Many people push until what they say matters.

I am not that person.

I am none of those people.

I have an opinion. I know it is just that. My opinion. My opinion may differ from yours. But it doesn't lessen the value of my opinion, or yours, in any way.

I know the difference between knowing I am right and thinking I am right. I also know the difference between right and wrong. Something I am realizing many people either were never taught or just don't have the capacity to use on daily basis.

I know that I will always have a voice. My words will always mean something.... to me. My life is not to be validated by everyone else.

You don't like me? That's great. You don't like what I have to say? Good for you. You spend so much time judging someone that you don't even know. When you take the time to write even 1 hateful word about another person, you are judging them. Write 2 hateful words, you just upped your judgement meter. A nasty email? Hours of conversation devoted to hateful bashing of this person? Do I really need to continue... it is judging. Have you taken the time to get to know the person you speak so harshly of? Have you gone past the wall that the rest of the world sees, to find out what that person is made of?

I am not saying that everyone needs to be friends in this life. I am saying that it takes a lot more to be the bigger person and let go of the hurt that someone has caused you (not saying forget), than to hold on to it and relive it everyday. The exception to this, is for those who enjoy dragging people through the mud day after day.

God doesn't hate.

And neither do I.

I can honestly say that there are people who have caused significant trauma to my past that they have earned the right for me to hate them, yet I don't. It is not my place to hold them accountable for their horrible behavior. I am a stronger person from all the venom that has been spewed at me in my life. And I am a better person for not turning in to one of those people because of it.

Insulting someone's spouse, someone's child, someone's lifestyle, etc. all because you personally don't care for someone, is reprehensible.

I say this at least once a day, to someone in my life; My mom has always said "you can only be responsible for you and your actions. No one else's." Isn't that the truth.

I learned a long time ago "you can't save them all". Good heavens, as much as I have tried "you can't befriend them all" either. There are some people out there no matter how pleasant they appear on the outside, they are full of hatred on the inside. A cold heart that fuels on the misery of others. I can't change that. You can't change that.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you (Matthew 7:12).”

Can you imagine? How you treat people (not just all your friends.. think about the strangers on the street, the people you curse who you will never meet...) is how you will be treated. Maybe not in this life... but all actions have a reaction. And for the negative actions, there are consequences. Is it worth it? Personally, I don't think so. But there will always be those people, who force their opinions with their screaming voices and push their views down your throat until you utter the words they want you to say. You agree with them. Their view is your view. They're right, you're wrong.

I have no words for either of those types of people. It's not my place to judge them or save them for that matter. They will have consequences... we all will.

Lost hearts on the open road

Over time, we grow up and often go separate ways from people that once meant a whole lot to us... at a different point in our lives. While our lives may be on different roads now, that doesn't mean that there can't be a pit stop somewhere during this journey we call life where we can meet up and look over the roads that have lead us to where we are now.. and where we are traveling to.

Sounds simple, right?

Wrong.

There are so many things in today's life that complicates what should be the simple catching up with an old friend. However, that is not what this is about.

This is about the hurt that comes along with those complications. Friends are friends. I really hate to do this because I know which certain friends will roll their eyes at me for this.. but I can't help it. So suck it.. and listen. Just LISTEN.

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus

What this means to me... is that I am so happy for your life and where your roads have taken you, as long as you are happy. Always know that you will always be my friend. I will always love you and there will always be a special place in my heart for you. Even if over time we lose touch and wander down different paths, there is only one road to Heaven.