It's just one of those days.

It has been forever and a day since I have written... and obviously that is not the best thing for me. I feel like I have so much bottled up, I end up taking it out on someone through a random text message that ends up becoming some 10 page text message. So here I am. My fingers are flying faster than I can think..and like always... I don't back space... unless it is some horrible typo.

My life is not simple. Makes sense because I have never been considered a simple person. The other day my mom told... I have always had the wild horse spirit and need to run free. Wow, that applies to so many things in my life.

At times I wonder why we are put on the paths that lead us to where we are. But I learned a long time ago not to question why things happen. I hate the "everything happens for a reason" crap because it's lame. It's true.. but the saying is just so cliche. Without the things we go through we wouldn't be the people we are today. I believe that. I feel that. But at what point does all the extra garbage just become unnecessary?

I mean really. How much hurt can one person endure? How much hurt can one person put another one through before they realize that they are literally f'ing that person up? Words hurt people. Actions hurt people. Just because you think it's no big deal, doesn't mean that there isn't someone else out there who could negatively be affected by it.

For every action there is a reaction. Why people are surprised when my reaction is some monstrous blow up.. I have no clue. Do you NOT know me? Do you NOT realize that I love deep, I hurt deep? Stand in front of a mirror. Look at the person you are so proud to call YOU. Keep looking...

Now look at me.

What's different? Other than obvious you are you, I am me...

The things YOU do.. I would NEVER do. I put people before myself. STORY OF MY LIFE. I give uncontrollably. I love unconditionally. Because I choose to not turn my head to some lame action on your part doesn't make me insensitive and unable to love you unconditionally. It means I am disappointed in you. I expect more from you. I believe that you are more than the selfish actions you so easily display.

But none of this means anything. I could literally sit and scream at the top of my lungs how bad your actions hurt me.... I've done it... and nothing I say or do gets through to you. NOTHING. Because he we are.. all this time later... you are still doing you... and I am still doing everyone else but me. This is a vicious cycle that honestly I should have stopped a long time ago. But like always.. I thought I could fix it. I thought I could change it.

The truth is.. no matter how hard you love someone.. it's never enough. Especially if they don't love themselves half as hard. I am fighting a war with myself at this point because I am the only one who seems to give a damn.