Don't assume you know me

One thing I really hate.. is people who think they know me. Really? You really think I am THAT person? Wow.. then you must have never really knew me at all if you think I am capable of something that is way out of my characteristics.

It makes me so mad. SOOOO mad. I am so angry. It's not even funny.

Am I the only one?

Is it common to wonder...

Do other people view me as the same kind of friend I see myself as?

Do others think as highly of my friendship qualities as I do?

Do others miss me and wish they had more time with me as I do them?

I mean anyone can say anything and straight up blow smoke up my ass.. and some can say it out of the obligation of needing to say it... but there are so many times I just feel so... friendless.. and just wish my friends from far away were much closer to me.. and I guess I just wonder... am I the only one?

Hard to love

We spend our lives fighting to be happy. I learned a long time ago the only way to be happy is to make your own happiness. But what if your happiness is in someone else? I know that is totally against the whole rule.. but really.. IT IS these other people that make me happy.

I don't think there is anything wrong with my children making me happy. My dogs making me happy. Oh I love me some Bentley! (I need to let that little guy in the house more often) But for some reason I feel like it is so wrong, for me to have my husband be a form of MY happiness. It's not like I am relying on him in anyway to make me happy. I know better than that. And not just towards him.. TOWARDS ANYONE. You CANNOT rely on anyone to make you happy.

But he.. who he is.. the person I married.. he makes me happy.

So maybe that is why I am so angry and resentful in a time like now where I feel he has let me down. I am disappointed in him and upset with him for what.. for being him? I guess.

I know at times I expect too much out of him. OK OK.. like all the time. But I don't think that is a bad thing. I know I say it's just much easier to expect nothing from him.. that way I am not disappointed in him. But really.. I have expectations for him. Because I know his potential. I know what he is capable of. I see it in him.. I see it with him and other people... but why don't I see it with me?

I know that I can be "hard to please"... but being hard to please... doesn't mean hard to love....or does it?

Where is MY God?

I never thought that the day would come where I would question my beliefs. Question my religion. Question the existence of God.

But EVERYONE tells you pray... pray about it.. pray.. pray..pray. So I pray and I pray and I pray... and I am begging God to help me.. I am begging God to show me guidance... I am begging God for answers. I WILL TAKE JUST 1... and all that happens is my life continues to spiral even more out of control at an even faster pace.

I feel like at this point I am not even in my own body anymore. I feel like I am watching this awful train wreck from a distance. Nothing I can say.. nothing I can do... no prayers.... are stopping this derailment.

So where is my faith? Where is MY GOD? Where is my strength? I think that is when you realize that you have lost all hope.

I can't tell you how many times a day I ask myself.. I ask God... HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHAT AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR? I know that bad things happen to good people.. but really? What on Earth did I do to deserve this? I feel like I am being punished every second I take a breath.

I am convinced I am nothing but a walking, breathing, living doormat for almost everyone around me. This includes my children. I am convinced my only purpose in this life is to be at everyone's beck and call. And if the laundry doesn't get done, or someone's something doesn't get fixed.. how dare I! How dare I not grovel at the feet of every person in my life.

I am this HORRIBLE person, that deserves to have no friends... and have NO ONE talk to me.. including my parents, aunts, uncles, you name it.. BECAUSE I REFUSED TO CHOOSE ONE PERSON OVER ANOTHER. I wasn't raised like that. I don't care if one person is my blood.. the other person had done nothing to me that I should have just kicked them to the curb. But because of this, I can be slandered all over town.. to my family.. my friends.. people I have never even met.. but now am coming in contact with because of my new job. Great. What do I say to that? I'm sorry.. she's mad because I didn't do what she told me to.

STORY OF MY LIFE.

Maybe that is my problem. Maybe everyone is so damn use to me doing EVERY single thing they ask or TELL me to do.. that the second that I have a thought of my own.. I am damned to hell.

This personal hell that I am stuck in, that has taken away every piece of my personality that makes me ME, and has left me this numb, angry, lost soul... what on Earth is this my punishment for?

Not being bullied to hurt someone else?

Giving up my world for someone else?

Sacrificing everything I can to make sure other's don't have to?

Or maybe just the simple fact that I am sitting here being extremely selfish... by saying how selfless I am. I guess I am just a selfish, narcissistic person who deserves everything she has gotten.

How on EARTH can God not hear my screams?

Lonely tears

I am the type of person that if I see someone crying.. it breaks my heart.

If I see someone pouring their heart out.. I can't help but feel for them.

How can anyone.. much less anyone who says they love someone.. sit and watch them cry? And not just cry.. but tears of pain. Tears of hurt. Tears of pure sadness.

I was in church one day and during singing...the girl in front of me just started crying. I didn't know her.. I had never seen her.. but when the song was over.. I tapped her on the shoulder and said "I saw you cry and I just have to hug you".

That is me.. that is who I am. Why don't I deserve that?

Max Update

Max had his follow up appointment with the GI on thursday. He had an xray done immediately before.

The xray showed he is NOT constipated. He is FULL of gas though. I saw the xray and he had about 15 small little gas pockets all in his bowels and then 2 big ones.. one was the size of an orange.

This is our new routine:

1.6ml Zantac in the morning

7.5mg of Prevacid at night

Eryped 4x a day

Gas drops 4x a day

So far..he has improved.

He still has blood in his stool, a month and a half later.

If he does not improve, I have to go back to cutting all those fab things out of my diet again. If he doesn't improve after that.. then he needs to have an Endoscopy done, and a biopsy done up the butt. We are PRAYING we don't have to get to this point.

I haven't had to use the HappiTummi in 3 days. *Fingers Crossed***praying prayers have been answered

Thank you everyone for your continuous prayers and support.

Negativity

Negativity has the power to consume us.

If you hear you aren't good enough... if you feel you aren't good enough.. if you have enough negativity fueled into your system long enough.. you will start to believe it.

.....Start to believe that you are not good enough.

......Start to feel you aren't good enough

.......Start to believe you don't matter

.........Start to feel you don't belong

You become your worst enemy. Simple tasks become difficult chores. And yet at the end of the day you realize... I made it out of bed today... I can do it again tomorrow... I just don't know how.