But EVERYONE tells you pray... pray about it.. pray.. pray..pray. So I pray and I pray and I pray... and I am begging God to help me.. I am begging God to show me guidance... I am begging God for answers. I WILL TAKE JUST 1... and all that happens is my life continues to spiral even more out of control at an even faster pace.
I feel like at this point I am not even in my own body anymore. I feel like I am watching this awful train wreck from a distance. Nothing I can say.. nothing I can do... no prayers.... are stopping this derailment.
So where is my faith? Where is MY GOD? Where is my strength? I think that is when you realize that you have lost all hope.
I can't tell you how many times a day I ask myself.. I ask God... HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHAT AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR? I know that bad things happen to good people.. but really? What on Earth did I do to deserve this? I feel like I am being punished every second I take a breath.
I am convinced I am nothing but a walking, breathing, living doormat for almost everyone around me. This includes my children. I am convinced my only purpose in this life is to be at everyone's beck and call. And if the laundry doesn't get done, or someone's something doesn't get fixed.. how dare I! How dare I not grovel at the feet of every person in my life.
I am this HORRIBLE person, that deserves to have no friends... and have NO ONE talk to me.. including my parents, aunts, uncles, you name it.. BECAUSE I REFUSED TO CHOOSE ONE PERSON OVER ANOTHER. I wasn't raised like that. I don't care if one person is my blood.. the other person had done nothing to me that I should have just kicked them to the curb. But because of this, I can be slandered all over town.. to my family.. my friends.. people I have never even met.. but now am coming in contact with because of my new job. Great. What do I say to that? I'm sorry.. she's mad because I didn't do what she told me to.
STORY OF MY LIFE.
Maybe that is my problem. Maybe everyone is so damn use to me doing EVERY single thing they ask or TELL me to do.. that the second that I have a thought of my own.. I am damned to hell.
This personal hell that I am stuck in, that has taken away every piece of my personality that makes me ME, and has left me this numb, angry, lost soul... what on Earth is this my punishment for?
Not being bullied to hurt someone else?
Giving up my world for someone else?
Sacrificing everything I can to make sure other's don't have to?
Or maybe just the simple fact that I am sitting here being extremely selfish... by saying how selfless I am. I guess I am just a selfish, narcissistic person who deserves everything she has gotten.
How on EARTH can God not hear my screams?
2 comments:
Maryleigh, I know we dont talk much and I am not very religious but I'll try to say a few things.
From my perspective, maybe He is hearing you. Maybe forcing you to take a stand for yourself, a stand against those who treat you with little respect. Sometimes prayers are not always answered in the manner in which we think they should be. You are a VERY good person Maryleigh!
You may not think it but you are given what you can handle. That does not mean its easy but you WILL make it threw.
I am wondering the same thing sometimes and I have to disagree with Ashley on one thing.
Sometimes I can't hear stuff like "You are given what you can handle." anymore.
I don't want to have to be strong all the time just because other people decide to be rude and #$%@.
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