Friends in low places

I hate when I get into a funk.. but sometimes it can't be avoided. Like the people around you that no matter how hard you try to be positive.. they just manage to piss on your freakin parade. I am sick of it. I am so tired of feeling alone when I know that I am not. I have an amazing support system.. friends and family... but sometimes.. it's just not enough?? How horrible sounding is that.

I miss my best friend of 13 years. I don't miss her per-say... I miss our friendship. But it wasn't even a friendship. It was a sham. Some know the whole story and I really don't feel like getting into it. But it's like that Lifetime movie.. Who is Clark Rockafeller? Yeah.. that reminds me of her. Not to that extent.. but the lying for sure. But there was something about having her in my life that made me feel more complete as a person. I guess I felt like I mattered to someone who needed me and depended on me (not in a user way) other than my children or people who are suppose to love you because they are related to you.

I have amazing great friends now.. don't get me wrong. I just... fear that I am in the repetitive cycle I have been in my ENTIRE life. I am always the one who loves deeper, harder and stronger... and I wonder what it's like on the other end? I wonder what it is like to have a friend who thinks the sun rises and sets in me... can't wait to plan things with me.. would come see me from cross the country... would call me their best friend.

I have friends that I am very close with and this isn't about the lack of their friendship in anyway. It's just about my perception of what I once had.. and what I do have now and there is some unhealed hurt. It also doesn't help.. that as we get older and people grow apart.. I have friends that I consider to be very near and dear to me.. but I know without a doubt.. they don't cherish me as a friend in the way I do them...well wait.. maybe they do... but I don't know because they don't talk to me anymore. Just whenever it's convenient I guess.

Welcome to life... welcome to adulthood. I guess we were all warned it sucked.