White walls

A dark room full of thousands of people... loud music... and tons of crazy lights; yet all I see is a bright white empty room with no sound.. and I am the only one there.

I search to find my comfort and to be able to step out of myself long enough to realize that the way I feel will pass and that it is just a phase. The truth is what I am feeling will not pass and it is not a phase.. it is the beginning. The beginning to an uncertain future. The beginning of many sleepless nights. The beginning of waiting for my phone to ring.. well.. my skype to ring. The beginning of going days without sleep, days without communication, days without smiles, days without laughter, 365 days without him.

He hasn't even left yet and I feel like there is this little voice inside my head and all it does is scream. And it is screaming so loud, but it's all alone and no one can hear it. I can only hear it if I pay very close attention. The screams.. they remind me of Bella in New Moon. Terrified and alone.

I know when this is all said and done, I will look back and pat myself on the back and say "well, you did it". Just like I did before. Yet this feels different. So different. And I wish it was so much easier to explain how I feel to other people.. but other than letting it out here.. I just feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.