Just keep walking...

How can people live with themselves when they hurt other people? I know personally I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders regardless if I am involved or not. But that is just me. I know that the rest of the world does not see things the way I do, but why does it seem like care and compassion is a evaporating quality nowadays?

True story. Back in April, Marianne and I were running to the mall and then to grab dinner. As we were walking into the mall we saw a Fresno Police Officer assault someone. We have no idea what happened before.. leading up to this incident.. but to an innocent bystander.. it looked like excessive force. There were a lot of people just standing around watching and talking about it.. I think we were all in disbelief... I called and filed a complaint.

That night a SGT called me back.. we started playing phone tag.. life happened and I figured it wasn't important. A couple of days ago a CPT called me.. then the SGT again.. phone tag begun. (I left messages telling them to call my house phone but they kept calling my cell phone) 9pm last night the SGT knocks on my door. He has reviewed the video tape, the statements and there are some things that make him question if the officer did infact use excessive force. So I gave my statement... and it's going to IA.

Marianne and I both got a lot of crap from friends and family because we said something. Well if it were you... wouldn't you hope that someone would have a voice for you? I do. Which is why I called. And it is exactly what I told the officer. I am sorry that my friends feel that maybe we were out of line.. but I personally couldn't sleep at night if I had just kept walking. Especially knowing what I know now.

So that brings me back to my original thought... why does it seem like I know 3245628043718718035781305780135135112 people.. and about 50 of them have care and compassion for others? Do I need to reevaluate my friendships? Do I just chalk it up to personality differences? Am I being too picky and expecting something that isn't possible like blood from a rock? Or does everyone else need to step it up a bit and stop caring only about themselves? I swear I feel like every rant in my life comes back to the same things. Selfish people. Self-centered people. I guess I should finish that with... lonely people.

Breaking the ice

Well I have been thinking about blogging for a long time now. I feel like I have so much running through my mind at any given moment.. it needs to go somewhere. And the usual suspects deserve a break from my ranting and raving.

I have a big heart...at least I think so. Others would disagree.. I think. I guess there are some out there who think that I have no care or compassion for them. The truth is it takes a lot for me to write someone off for good. I can actually tell you there is someone out there who doesn't deserve an ounce of my goodwill.. but I do not wish him harm... I don't wish him well... but I hope that he finds happiness wherever that may be. It wasn't with me.. nor do I think I deserve the things that transpired and greatly affected my life and the life of my child... but I am who I am because of the things that I went through. And well.. he is who he is through his choosing. Who is living their happily ever after??? I know I am.

My point is.. I give people way too many chances. It takes a lot for me to give up on them.. a lot for me to throw my hands up and walk away. Here's where that changed.

I have found recently that my "patience" and "tolerance" level have acquired a short fuse. I have never been one to hold much patience, but what I did have has recently dwindled to almost nothing. I feel... that I am an adult. I am tired of having to hold my opinions in JUST to appease someone else. If you can't take what I have to say with your big boy/girl underpants on then that's not my problem...anymore. I am so tired of loving unconditionally... and with that means holding my tounge and keeping my mouth shut. FOR WHAT!?!? So that it can hurt me? So that I can walk around with my heart broken because Heaven FORBID I tell you that what you are doing hurts me? No more. No more.

I LOVE MYSELF. I love my family. I love my husband. I love my children. I love all 500 million pets I have. Do not judge me because I have the cojones to stand up to you. Respect my decision to voice my feelings to you and to not carry them with me til I die, building up resentment and hate. And be an adult.. AGREE to DISAGREE. Having differences in opinion builds character. I would rather live alone and be full of character, than surrounded by people who constantly blew smoke up my a$$ because they were too afraid of how I would handle reality.

Follow me... don't follow me... it doesn't matter. I just have a lot to say... and I'm tired of holding it in.