Don't assume you know me

One thing I really hate.. is people who think they know me. Really? You really think I am THAT person? Wow.. then you must have never really knew me at all if you think I am capable of something that is way out of my characteristics.

It makes me so mad. SOOOO mad. I am so angry. It's not even funny.

Am I the only one?

Is it common to wonder...

Do other people view me as the same kind of friend I see myself as?

Do others think as highly of my friendship qualities as I do?

Do others miss me and wish they had more time with me as I do them?

I mean anyone can say anything and straight up blow smoke up my ass.. and some can say it out of the obligation of needing to say it... but there are so many times I just feel so... friendless.. and just wish my friends from far away were much closer to me.. and I guess I just wonder... am I the only one?

Hard to love

We spend our lives fighting to be happy. I learned a long time ago the only way to be happy is to make your own happiness. But what if your happiness is in someone else? I know that is totally against the whole rule.. but really.. IT IS these other people that make me happy.

I don't think there is anything wrong with my children making me happy. My dogs making me happy. Oh I love me some Bentley! (I need to let that little guy in the house more often) But for some reason I feel like it is so wrong, for me to have my husband be a form of MY happiness. It's not like I am relying on him in anyway to make me happy. I know better than that. And not just towards him.. TOWARDS ANYONE. You CANNOT rely on anyone to make you happy.

But he.. who he is.. the person I married.. he makes me happy.

So maybe that is why I am so angry and resentful in a time like now where I feel he has let me down. I am disappointed in him and upset with him for what.. for being him? I guess.

I know at times I expect too much out of him. OK OK.. like all the time. But I don't think that is a bad thing. I know I say it's just much easier to expect nothing from him.. that way I am not disappointed in him. But really.. I have expectations for him. Because I know his potential. I know what he is capable of. I see it in him.. I see it with him and other people... but why don't I see it with me?

I know that I can be "hard to please"... but being hard to please... doesn't mean hard to love....or does it?

Where is MY God?

I never thought that the day would come where I would question my beliefs. Question my religion. Question the existence of God.

But EVERYONE tells you pray... pray about it.. pray.. pray..pray. So I pray and I pray and I pray... and I am begging God to help me.. I am begging God to show me guidance... I am begging God for answers. I WILL TAKE JUST 1... and all that happens is my life continues to spiral even more out of control at an even faster pace.

I feel like at this point I am not even in my own body anymore. I feel like I am watching this awful train wreck from a distance. Nothing I can say.. nothing I can do... no prayers.... are stopping this derailment.

So where is my faith? Where is MY GOD? Where is my strength? I think that is when you realize that you have lost all hope.

I can't tell you how many times a day I ask myself.. I ask God... HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHAT AM I BEING PUNISHED FOR? I know that bad things happen to good people.. but really? What on Earth did I do to deserve this? I feel like I am being punished every second I take a breath.

I am convinced I am nothing but a walking, breathing, living doormat for almost everyone around me. This includes my children. I am convinced my only purpose in this life is to be at everyone's beck and call. And if the laundry doesn't get done, or someone's something doesn't get fixed.. how dare I! How dare I not grovel at the feet of every person in my life.

I am this HORRIBLE person, that deserves to have no friends... and have NO ONE talk to me.. including my parents, aunts, uncles, you name it.. BECAUSE I REFUSED TO CHOOSE ONE PERSON OVER ANOTHER. I wasn't raised like that. I don't care if one person is my blood.. the other person had done nothing to me that I should have just kicked them to the curb. But because of this, I can be slandered all over town.. to my family.. my friends.. people I have never even met.. but now am coming in contact with because of my new job. Great. What do I say to that? I'm sorry.. she's mad because I didn't do what she told me to.

STORY OF MY LIFE.

Maybe that is my problem. Maybe everyone is so damn use to me doing EVERY single thing they ask or TELL me to do.. that the second that I have a thought of my own.. I am damned to hell.

This personal hell that I am stuck in, that has taken away every piece of my personality that makes me ME, and has left me this numb, angry, lost soul... what on Earth is this my punishment for?

Not being bullied to hurt someone else?

Giving up my world for someone else?

Sacrificing everything I can to make sure other's don't have to?

Or maybe just the simple fact that I am sitting here being extremely selfish... by saying how selfless I am. I guess I am just a selfish, narcissistic person who deserves everything she has gotten.

How on EARTH can God not hear my screams?

Lonely tears

I am the type of person that if I see someone crying.. it breaks my heart.

If I see someone pouring their heart out.. I can't help but feel for them.

How can anyone.. much less anyone who says they love someone.. sit and watch them cry? And not just cry.. but tears of pain. Tears of hurt. Tears of pure sadness.

I was in church one day and during singing...the girl in front of me just started crying. I didn't know her.. I had never seen her.. but when the song was over.. I tapped her on the shoulder and said "I saw you cry and I just have to hug you".

That is me.. that is who I am. Why don't I deserve that?

Max Update

Max had his follow up appointment with the GI on thursday. He had an xray done immediately before.

The xray showed he is NOT constipated. He is FULL of gas though. I saw the xray and he had about 15 small little gas pockets all in his bowels and then 2 big ones.. one was the size of an orange.

This is our new routine:

1.6ml Zantac in the morning

7.5mg of Prevacid at night

Eryped 4x a day

Gas drops 4x a day

So far..he has improved.

He still has blood in his stool, a month and a half later.

If he does not improve, I have to go back to cutting all those fab things out of my diet again. If he doesn't improve after that.. then he needs to have an Endoscopy done, and a biopsy done up the butt. We are PRAYING we don't have to get to this point.

I haven't had to use the HappiTummi in 3 days. *Fingers Crossed***praying prayers have been answered

Thank you everyone for your continuous prayers and support.

Negativity

Negativity has the power to consume us.

If you hear you aren't good enough... if you feel you aren't good enough.. if you have enough negativity fueled into your system long enough.. you will start to believe it.

.....Start to believe that you are not good enough.

......Start to feel you aren't good enough

.......Start to believe you don't matter

.........Start to feel you don't belong

You become your worst enemy. Simple tasks become difficult chores. And yet at the end of the day you realize... I made it out of bed today... I can do it again tomorrow... I just don't know how.

I am a survivor.

Why is that when you think that you are finally getting everything under control... life throws you and unexpected... hurricane?

I understand that life is unpredictable... marriage is unpredictable.. but how can you work so hard to try to do right by everyone around you and it still not be enough to live a happy life. How can you give 100% of yourself only to not recognize the person in the mirror starring back at you.

How can one day you feel every emotion that God allows us to feel.. and the next day.. you are completely numb.

I know these are questions that don't have answers.. which is why they were written as statements. I know that no one has all the answers and part of life is finding ourselves. But how much turmoil must we suffer just to "rise above". I want my happily ever after. I have paid my dues in the crapstream department. I have survived the "mean girls" of high school. I have survived heartbreak. I have survived being sexually assaulted. I have survived an abusive husband who tried to kill me not once, but twice. I have been drug through the mud more times than I care to count.. or remember.. and I have survived them all.

Yes I am a fighter. Yes each thing I tackle makes me stronger. Yes I am a survivor.

But at what point do you get to stop fighting.. and just enjoy life. Enjoy all the things you have fought for. Enjoy looking in the mirror. Even more so... being able to recognize the person in the mirror.

Time to grab my dance shoes!

Well apparently life thought that I do not have enough going on already..so a new chapter has been added to my every growing book of life.

I have talked to.. I don't even know how many now... different dance groups and organizations about teaching or coaching. None of them seem to rub me the right way. I am very particular. I don't do this for the money.. the fame.. there isn't really any. I do it because I love it. It makes my heart happy and makes my soul fly.

That being said.. I think...I think.. I have met my match. It is a new studio opening in Clovis. Fowler and Nees. Called Ballroom Dance Academy. No.. I am not teaching ballroom.. not yet at least ;). But I will be teaching a wide range of classes, from Pre-K to Jr. High level. I am still recovering from the c-section and it will take me awhile to get my body back in top dance capability.. but when I do.. I will take on the high school and adult classes. I just know that right now if I did.. I would be lying on the floor after the first class. And I was honest and told the owner that!

So I will be teaching :Pep and Cheer, Hip Hop, Beginning Ballet, Pre-K/Kinder Gym, and my fav..... Intro to Lyrical. The studio opens 6/21 and classes will be scheduled as needed. So while there may not be a class you want 1 week.. it could be there the next week as long as we can fill it. I will also be doing privates.

for more info... ballroomdanceacademy.net

Oh and MOMS... they have Hula, Hula fitness, Pole-Dancing and all the ballroom classes you can imagine!

Validation

Who is anyone to tell another person that what they feel is validated?

YOUR FEELINGS ARE YOUR FEELINGS.

Do not let anyone tell you that you do not hurt.

Do not let anyone tell you that you cannot love.

Do not let anyone tell you that you are not sad.

Do not let anyone tell you that you are not worth something.

You do hurt.

You do love.

You are sad.

You are worth everything in the world.

The things we feel, the things we carry.. they affect who we are, what we do, and where we go in life. Unfortunately everyone is entitled to their own opinion and some people haven't learned when to express their opinions and when to keep their damn mouths shut.

White walls

A dark room full of thousands of people... loud music... and tons of crazy lights; yet all I see is a bright white empty room with no sound.. and I am the only one there.

I search to find my comfort and to be able to step out of myself long enough to realize that the way I feel will pass and that it is just a phase. The truth is what I am feeling will not pass and it is not a phase.. it is the beginning. The beginning to an uncertain future. The beginning of many sleepless nights. The beginning of waiting for my phone to ring.. well.. my skype to ring. The beginning of going days without sleep, days without communication, days without smiles, days without laughter, 365 days without him.

He hasn't even left yet and I feel like there is this little voice inside my head and all it does is scream. And it is screaming so loud, but it's all alone and no one can hear it. I can only hear it if I pay very close attention. The screams.. they remind me of Bella in New Moon. Terrified and alone.

I know when this is all said and done, I will look back and pat myself on the back and say "well, you did it". Just like I did before. Yet this feels different. So different. And I wish it was so much easier to explain how I feel to other people.. but other than letting it out here.. I just feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Married to the National Guard

I knew we signed up for HURRY UP AND WAIT when DH joined the military. What I DID NOT sign up for is leave me in the dark, alone and scared. I am flippin LIVID with the NG.

It is not enough that my husband stepped up and VOLUNTEERED for deployment.. I don't think it is too much to ask for his family to have some type of support network. We have nothing. No FRG.. no liasion (although I have "heard of one")..no support what so ever.

To make it worse.. he is now being transfered to a different unit.. 2-4 hours away (there are 2 locations).

So now.. I am officially alone. And please don't say I am not alone..I have you guys.. I know I do. But sometimes.. it's not enough. All I want is someone near me who knows what I am going through. I have to friends that are navy wives.. but a 6month cruise.. doesn't compare to a 1year deployment in my opinion. They get their SO's back after 6months... with no R&R.. I may have to wait 6months or more for R&R.. just for him to leave again. So while they may be supportive.. it's still not the same to me.

I took 2 anxiety pills like 30min ago.. I am at my wits end and we are still months away from deployment. I am not about to say I am not strong enough to do this.. because I made it through BCT and AIT totaling 7months. But there is something different than before... I can't put my finger on it.. but I thoroughly feel alone.

Crowded room

My chest is tight.. I am having a hard time breathing.. I am burning up.. (thank you hormones).. and I feel like I just need to cry. Apparently bawling during Marley and Me today wasn't enough.

I am stressed. EVERYONE has been telling me lately how much I do, how busy I am, how I am supermom.... but through my eyes.. I do nothing. I sit on the computer all the time.. I have no life.. All I do is nurse the baby, clean, try to sleep, nurse the baby, entertain the kids, nurse the baby, sit on AWF/FB, nurse the baby, nurse the baby, nurse the baby.

I feel claustrophobic and I feel like that is a horrible thing to say. I feel the days ticking down til deployment. I feel my future getting out of my reach. I feel the loss of control happening... I feel... almost numb.

Bad decisions

What is worse than making bad decisions??? Surrounding yourself with people who make horribly, consistently bad decisions.

Here is just an example...

The worst thing an alcoholic could do is hangout in a bar. Much-less work there. Much-less have friends that spend their free time getting trashed. I honestly believe someone who suffers from any type of addiction does not have the will power to fight the temptation.

Friends in low places

I hate when I get into a funk.. but sometimes it can't be avoided. Like the people around you that no matter how hard you try to be positive.. they just manage to piss on your freakin parade. I am sick of it. I am so tired of feeling alone when I know that I am not. I have an amazing support system.. friends and family... but sometimes.. it's just not enough?? How horrible sounding is that.

I miss my best friend of 13 years. I don't miss her per-say... I miss our friendship. But it wasn't even a friendship. It was a sham. Some know the whole story and I really don't feel like getting into it. But it's like that Lifetime movie.. Who is Clark Rockafeller? Yeah.. that reminds me of her. Not to that extent.. but the lying for sure. But there was something about having her in my life that made me feel more complete as a person. I guess I felt like I mattered to someone who needed me and depended on me (not in a user way) other than my children or people who are suppose to love you because they are related to you.

I have amazing great friends now.. don't get me wrong. I just... fear that I am in the repetitive cycle I have been in my ENTIRE life. I am always the one who loves deeper, harder and stronger... and I wonder what it's like on the other end? I wonder what it is like to have a friend who thinks the sun rises and sets in me... can't wait to plan things with me.. would come see me from cross the country... would call me their best friend.

I have friends that I am very close with and this isn't about the lack of their friendship in anyway. It's just about my perception of what I once had.. and what I do have now and there is some unhealed hurt. It also doesn't help.. that as we get older and people grow apart.. I have friends that I consider to be very near and dear to me.. but I know without a doubt.. they don't cherish me as a friend in the way I do them...well wait.. maybe they do... but I don't know because they don't talk to me anymore. Just whenever it's convenient I guess.

Welcome to life... welcome to adulthood. I guess we were all warned it sucked.

Just keep walking...

How can people live with themselves when they hurt other people? I know personally I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders regardless if I am involved or not. But that is just me. I know that the rest of the world does not see things the way I do, but why does it seem like care and compassion is a evaporating quality nowadays?

True story. Back in April, Marianne and I were running to the mall and then to grab dinner. As we were walking into the mall we saw a Fresno Police Officer assault someone. We have no idea what happened before.. leading up to this incident.. but to an innocent bystander.. it looked like excessive force. There were a lot of people just standing around watching and talking about it.. I think we were all in disbelief... I called and filed a complaint.

That night a SGT called me back.. we started playing phone tag.. life happened and I figured it wasn't important. A couple of days ago a CPT called me.. then the SGT again.. phone tag begun. (I left messages telling them to call my house phone but they kept calling my cell phone) 9pm last night the SGT knocks on my door. He has reviewed the video tape, the statements and there are some things that make him question if the officer did infact use excessive force. So I gave my statement... and it's going to IA.

Marianne and I both got a lot of crap from friends and family because we said something. Well if it were you... wouldn't you hope that someone would have a voice for you? I do. Which is why I called. And it is exactly what I told the officer. I am sorry that my friends feel that maybe we were out of line.. but I personally couldn't sleep at night if I had just kept walking. Especially knowing what I know now.

So that brings me back to my original thought... why does it seem like I know 3245628043718718035781305780135135112 people.. and about 50 of them have care and compassion for others? Do I need to reevaluate my friendships? Do I just chalk it up to personality differences? Am I being too picky and expecting something that isn't possible like blood from a rock? Or does everyone else need to step it up a bit and stop caring only about themselves? I swear I feel like every rant in my life comes back to the same things. Selfish people. Self-centered people. I guess I should finish that with... lonely people.

Breaking the ice

Well I have been thinking about blogging for a long time now. I feel like I have so much running through my mind at any given moment.. it needs to go somewhere. And the usual suspects deserve a break from my ranting and raving.

I have a big heart...at least I think so. Others would disagree.. I think. I guess there are some out there who think that I have no care or compassion for them. The truth is it takes a lot for me to write someone off for good. I can actually tell you there is someone out there who doesn't deserve an ounce of my goodwill.. but I do not wish him harm... I don't wish him well... but I hope that he finds happiness wherever that may be. It wasn't with me.. nor do I think I deserve the things that transpired and greatly affected my life and the life of my child... but I am who I am because of the things that I went through. And well.. he is who he is through his choosing. Who is living their happily ever after??? I know I am.

My point is.. I give people way too many chances. It takes a lot for me to give up on them.. a lot for me to throw my hands up and walk away. Here's where that changed.

I have found recently that my "patience" and "tolerance" level have acquired a short fuse. I have never been one to hold much patience, but what I did have has recently dwindled to almost nothing. I feel... that I am an adult. I am tired of having to hold my opinions in JUST to appease someone else. If you can't take what I have to say with your big boy/girl underpants on then that's not my problem...anymore. I am so tired of loving unconditionally... and with that means holding my tounge and keeping my mouth shut. FOR WHAT!?!? So that it can hurt me? So that I can walk around with my heart broken because Heaven FORBID I tell you that what you are doing hurts me? No more. No more.

I LOVE MYSELF. I love my family. I love my husband. I love my children. I love all 500 million pets I have. Do not judge me because I have the cojones to stand up to you. Respect my decision to voice my feelings to you and to not carry them with me til I die, building up resentment and hate. And be an adult.. AGREE to DISAGREE. Having differences in opinion builds character. I would rather live alone and be full of character, than surrounded by people who constantly blew smoke up my a$$ because they were too afraid of how I would handle reality.

Follow me... don't follow me... it doesn't matter. I just have a lot to say... and I'm tired of holding it in.