Teeter Totter

You would think that after so long of the same 'ol... people decide they want change. Especially when the same 'ol is becoming unpleasant. When there are 2 people involved 1 of 3 things can happen. person a adjusts. person b adjusts. both parties adjust.

You can't really expect that if one person adjusts and the other person doesn't that everything will be fine and dandy from that point on. Imagine a teeter totter. Both people can't benefit from it unless both people are putting work into it.

Yeah.. I think that sums it up.

Inside this deployment

I have been needing to get this out.. and well with all the recent homecomings and send offs in my newsfeed, I can't take it anymore. I gotta get this out there.

This is one time I can tell you, be judgemental. Judge me. Because I really think there is something wrong with me and I am trying to find it. I am trying to see what it is.

I miss my husband. Don't get me wrong. I love him dearly. I miss waking up next to him.. kicking him in the middle of the night bc he is snoring and I can't fall asleep... yelling at him about his stupid xbox games.. giving him the look because he didn't dump the coffee grounds...the horrible smell of his coffee in the morning.. the smell of his cologne after he walks out of the bathroom.. or the fresh piece of gum kiss I get when he walks in the door from work because he is trying to cover up that he had a cigarette ;)... I miss all of that...

Yes this deployment has been hard.. it has been stressful... I guarantee that all the things with the kids would not be nearly as hard as they have been, if I had him here. Because it is 2 people fighting these battles. It is 2 people working together as a team to keep the family in tact. When he's gone, I am taking on the work of 2 people, and that is what weighs so heavy on me.

That being said. I occasionally cry because I am stressed out. I can't take it anymore. I need a break. I need relief. I need things to JUST GET BETTER. I need things to turn around... and I have a weak moment and I fall apart just a little....

But I DO NOT sit and cry my eyes out because my husband is gone. I see people post how much they miss their soldier.. they just want him home.. they are lost without him, etc etc... this isn't about those post. I wish I had those feelings. BUT I DON'T. Of course I want my husband home. However, the way I see it.. he is at work. He is not gone because he chose to leave ME for a year. He chose to serve this deployment for a year which requires him to be gone. The tears I shed are out of frustration. Out of a loss for answers. But not because I can't get through another day without my husband.

I feel like that is cold and heartless. However the preconceived ideas that people have and seem to of convinced themselves about me, couldn't be further from the truth. I accept my husbands deployment 100%. I am unhappy and frustrated with many things that have gone on.. and they are not those of my husband's actions nor are they part of the whole "Army lifestyle" that I should just suck up. They are unit specific and did not exist til he transfered to the unit that was deploying.

Regardless of my frustrations and feelings, they are MINE to feel. No one is anyone to tell me how I can feel and how I shouldn't feel. However if you are going to judge me, know the facts. ALL of them. Before you even consider saying I am unsupportive, self-centered, angry, an "attention whore", all the fabulous comments that fly around about me. Oh and I can't forget "being a disgrace to my husband".

He is doing his job. I am trying VERY hard to do mine. However people love to put themselves in the way of other people's success. I guarantee you things you be less difficult for me if I didn't have to keep hurdling over all the crap people want to throw at me.

Little known fact... I ran 100m and 300m hurdles in high school. Bring it.

As far as how I feel.. I don't know if it is normal. I don't know if it is normal for me to not cry and long for my husband. I want my family together just as much as the next person.. but what does crying about it for a year do for anyone? For me it would just make me feel like crap. But the fact that I don't have days where I don't want to get out of bed and mope around the house SOLELY because I miss him.. is that normal? Because THAT does not happen to me.

(again I am saying NOTHING about anyone who MAY feel like this... I just feel guilty that I DON'T feel like this)

"I should be sleeping.. but these thoughts are keeping me awake"

Time has gotten away from me, once again. While I need to do a "catch up and recap" of the down time.. this blog is my "I should be sleeping.. but these thoughts are keeping me awake".

Everyone has an opinion.

Everyone thinks their thoughts are right.

Everyone thinks that their voice should be heard.

Everyone believes somewhere within them, that what they say to you SHOULD matter.

Many people go to extremes to voice their opinion.

Many people cross the line because they think they are right.

Many people scream so loud the only thing that can be heard is their voice, not their words.

Many people push until what they say matters.

I am not that person.

I am none of those people.

I have an opinion. I know it is just that. My opinion. My opinion may differ from yours. But it doesn't lessen the value of my opinion, or yours, in any way.

I know the difference between knowing I am right and thinking I am right. I also know the difference between right and wrong. Something I am realizing many people either were never taught or just don't have the capacity to use on daily basis.

I know that I will always have a voice. My words will always mean something.... to me. My life is not to be validated by everyone else.

You don't like me? That's great. You don't like what I have to say? Good for you. You spend so much time judging someone that you don't even know. When you take the time to write even 1 hateful word about another person, you are judging them. Write 2 hateful words, you just upped your judgement meter. A nasty email? Hours of conversation devoted to hateful bashing of this person? Do I really need to continue... it is judging. Have you taken the time to get to know the person you speak so harshly of? Have you gone past the wall that the rest of the world sees, to find out what that person is made of?

I am not saying that everyone needs to be friends in this life. I am saying that it takes a lot more to be the bigger person and let go of the hurt that someone has caused you (not saying forget), than to hold on to it and relive it everyday. The exception to this, is for those who enjoy dragging people through the mud day after day.

God doesn't hate.

And neither do I.

I can honestly say that there are people who have caused significant trauma to my past that they have earned the right for me to hate them, yet I don't. It is not my place to hold them accountable for their horrible behavior. I am a stronger person from all the venom that has been spewed at me in my life. And I am a better person for not turning in to one of those people because of it.

Insulting someone's spouse, someone's child, someone's lifestyle, etc. all because you personally don't care for someone, is reprehensible.

I say this at least once a day, to someone in my life; My mom has always said "you can only be responsible for you and your actions. No one else's." Isn't that the truth.

I learned a long time ago "you can't save them all". Good heavens, as much as I have tried "you can't befriend them all" either. There are some people out there no matter how pleasant they appear on the outside, they are full of hatred on the inside. A cold heart that fuels on the misery of others. I can't change that. You can't change that.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you (Matthew 7:12).”

Can you imagine? How you treat people (not just all your friends.. think about the strangers on the street, the people you curse who you will never meet...) is how you will be treated. Maybe not in this life... but all actions have a reaction. And for the negative actions, there are consequences. Is it worth it? Personally, I don't think so. But there will always be those people, who force their opinions with their screaming voices and push their views down your throat until you utter the words they want you to say. You agree with them. Their view is your view. They're right, you're wrong.

I have no words for either of those types of people. It's not my place to judge them or save them for that matter. They will have consequences... we all will.

Lost hearts on the open road

Over time, we grow up and often go separate ways from people that once meant a whole lot to us... at a different point in our lives. While our lives may be on different roads now, that doesn't mean that there can't be a pit stop somewhere during this journey we call life where we can meet up and look over the roads that have lead us to where we are now.. and where we are traveling to.

Sounds simple, right?

Wrong.

There are so many things in today's life that complicates what should be the simple catching up with an old friend. However, that is not what this is about.

This is about the hurt that comes along with those complications. Friends are friends. I really hate to do this because I know which certain friends will roll their eyes at me for this.. but I can't help it. So suck it.. and listen. Just LISTEN.

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus

What this means to me... is that I am so happy for your life and where your roads have taken you, as long as you are happy. Always know that you will always be my friend. I will always love you and there will always be a special place in my heart for you. Even if over time we lose touch and wander down different paths, there is only one road to Heaven.

Friends. In HIGH or Low places.

Everyone's opinions of friends and friendships vary. What is a great friend to some could be considered a crappy friend to other.. and vice versa.

I think a general rule of thumb should apply.

Fair-weathered friends. People you consider friends.. but usually come around only when it is convenient for them.

Good friends. People you talk to and could possibly count on and go to for advice or in a time of need.

True friends. They are there through the high's an low's and when you aren't looking, surprise you by being an amazing friend in your darkest hour.

I know what kind of friend I am, do you know what kind of friend you are?

I think what would hurt me as an individual... as a friend.. is one of my friends thinking that I was not there for them when they needed it. Looking back at my friends that disappear when I could use them the most.. just shows me what kind of friend they really are.. and has taught me to not hold them in the same beaming light I have shined on them in the past.

Apparently I am not the only one.

My wonderful brother in law directed me to this....

http://awarenessoftheheart.com/wordpress/2008/12/10/dont-look-back-in-anger/#comment-106

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Don't Look Back in Anger

Posted: December 10, 2008 at 7:30 am | Tags: awareness, enlightenment, God, knowledge, philosophy,Religion, soul, spirit, spirituality

If I write something and it pisses you off, it angers you, or it makes you question something about yourself, why is that? Am I so wrong that it has caused a visceral feeling in your gut, or could it be that it has stricken a chord because it is true? As I said before, what I write is not about you. Not everything is about you or for you, or maybe it is. You tell me. You are the one who is upset. You are the one who feels the need to question what is written. If something bothers you, ask yourself why? Why are you really upset? Could it be that something inside fights to be heard?

A New Day

It is a new day... perfect for me... gloomy, wet and rainy and just the way I like it. I tried to sleep last night, but it was difficult to say the least.

These things I know:

• For the first time I have seen my husband differently than I have ever seen him before.
• We may have our trials and tribulations but our bond to each other is stronger than steel.
• I may not have all of the answers.. but I do know that we (he and I) will be ok.

I woke up this morning with an overflowing heart...not a broken heart. The love in my heart overflows for my husband.. for my children.. and for every person I know is a part of my life.

I am so thankful for no longer having a heavy heart... or a clouded mind. Even on a rainy day like today.. I can hold my head up, smile and say.. Everything is going to be ok.

Open for discussion

Vince's aunt sent this email and requested it be posted on my blog. Respond accordingly. My reply will be below it.

Hi Maryleigh,

As always I hope this finds you and the kids doing fine as I think of you so often.

I debated weather or not to respond to your "blog" and was going to ignore it but then thought, NO I can't do that! Yes, I read what you wrote. And no, it did not come from your in-laws but from a relative here in PA.

I have lived, as have many others within our family, with a serviceman that has been stationed oversea's. This serviceman, Vince included, has one priority right now and that is not his "spouse" nor is it even his children. It is to himself, keeping himself alive and well, and to his country. So stop making this all about yourself. YES, I can read between the lines!

At the time, when Uncle Larry served in Viet Nam on the front line, the only means of communication was by letter. You are so very fortunate that you now have so many means of keeping in touch with Vince that Uncle Larry was not afforded. The one thing he loved was reading about home, weather this included what his mom/dad, brothers or sister, aunts/uncles, grandparents or friends were doing on a daily basis here in the U.S.A. He didn't care if any one of us told him that we went out to dinner, what we had to eat or the color of the napkins we used!!!! It's called keeping in touch!!!

Right now I would think that you would want all the support and love from any family member regardless of past differences, for Vince's sake! I think you need to remember it is not all about you. I don't know what planet you have just landed from nor how high that pedestal is that your on but you need to dig your feet in the good old soil of this great nation and thank all those that served in the name of their country before you for what you have! This includes what Vince is giving up right now by serving his country.

I really regret writing this but it seems that you could care less about what you put into your "blog" about anyone else but yourself. WAKE-UP and get a grip, this is your husbands life that you so carelessly disregard. I was Vince's aunt long before you entered the picture and will always remain his aunt the loves and cares alot about what is happening within his life where ever he may be.

I hope this opens your eyes and ears. This is to let you know how "all" our family feels about Vince and the support that you do have weather your willing to take it or just pass it by because you refuse to see this. I'm sorry if this offends you but right now I don't care. It was so plain that you don't consider anyone else's feelings so I think you need a dose of your own medicine!

I hope you share this entire letter with your fellow "bloggers", they may see the light!

As always,

Aunt Denise

MY REPLY

I gladly will.. obviously you didn't hear about the nasty letter his sister wrote him, or the nasty letter his mother wrote him.. I am merely the "target" because I picked up the phone and said enough is enough. I can gladly share with everyone the IM conversations between Vince and I.. but you are calling me selfish when he is in Iraq and he gets crap from his family for not keeping up communication when they could have cared less about it before he left?

We were very generous with our time with Jil before we left. It was my idea to include her at his send off event.. and my family was their supporting him LIKE always.

Jil's message to him went back to when Vince and I met, as well as BEFORE he and I met. The problems his family had with him STILL get brought up all these years later, even the ones that don't include me. However I am the result of ALL the problems. EVERYTHING is my fault. The lack of communication between Vince and his family is my fault. The problem Vince's parents didn't come to his wedding is because of me. The reason his parents were there immediately after Jil had both of the boys but they could of cared less to see our children, were cause of me. Seriously? What planet am I on? What planet is everyone else on that I am expected to believe that I am that horrible of a person that EVERYTHING is my fault? All the turmoil..all the problems.. it's all my fault?? THAT'S CRAP. Because Debby and I were fine.. and to my knowledge actually building a relationship.. so I thought... I didn't realize I was just being used as her connection to Vince until she could talk to him at her convenience.

You guys care so much about Vince?? I can't wait to see what his response to this is I noticed you didn't include him in your rant. I have NEVER asked him to choose between his family and me.. but I think you just did that on your own. You think this ALL comes from me.. just because Vince would rather not say anything because in his words "all it will do is cause another fight.." or "my mom is never wrong..." that's fine. At the end of the day.. Vince chose to marry me. Regardless of what his family thinks.. we were engaged in Feb.. invitations out.. and 2wks before the wedding I was pregnant. So NO I did not trap him.. and you can kill that little rumor that has gone on for 7 years almost. Vince chose to come out to CA the way he did ON HIS OWN. I told him not to leave like he did. Not to do that to his parents. He wanted to just leave his parents at the hotel when we had the blow up in October when they were here. I said make things right before they go back and before you deploy. I am done being the target. I guarantee you.. ALL OF YOU..since you took the time to send this to EVERYONE... that even if I leave... you will still have your problems with him. They existed long before me.. and they will exist long after me.

Even more so.. Makayden and Maxson are Millers.. but shunning children over having to "be right".. you can chase me out and roll me in the mud all you want.. but my children deserve MUCH more than this.

I am fighting for who I am.

I don't know how to live in a world where what I want doesn't matter. I am use to having a voice, a very loud one at that. I am use to being able to have some say in my own life. But now it's like because my spouse is in the military and is at their beck and call, my life has ended? How does that work?

I never thought being a military spouse would be easy. I am not stupid and I surely am not naive. But putting my own life on hold? Putting my goals and dreams aside so someone else can fulfill theirs? Fine.. I've done that. Am I really expected to do that for the rest of my life??

If giving up everything I am as a person.. the being that has made my soul.. in order for someone else to live their life.. then something is wrong. I can't live in a world where my life is all about someone else.. and their life is all about them. Aren't we both suppose to make our lives about each other? AND still care about OURSELVES?

I can't do it anymore. I can't give 110% knowing that I am getting 0% in return. If I give you 110% and you give yourself 110%, what the hell do I get? I'm over this. I can't do it anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I have a choice to adapt to the person I am becoming.. or fight for who I am.

I am fighting for who I am.

It is not always about you.

I talk to a lot of people, in various environments daily.

Many of my blogs are inspired by conversations I have with other people about what is going on in their lives. However, just because their circumstances prompted my thought process, doesn't mean that I can't relate to what they are going through.

That being said.. I am passionate when I write. I only blog when I'm fumed or broken about something. I don't just write because I am bored. I write to stop thinking about it so I feel that my thoughts have been productive.

So if you think I am talking about you.. I'm more than likely not. But the fact that you THOUGHT what I said was about you...what does that say about you?

Push and Pull

I don't get it. I really do not get it. I hope by the time I am done writing this.. I will get it.. but I really doubt it.

How can people WANT people in their lives and then pull them like the strings of a puppet? Is it control? Is it power? What is it?

I watch people I love and care about, myself included, be manipulated and hurt by the actions of others. And for why? Because we care about other people? What the f? No seriously... what... the f?

I want to throw my hands up in the air, scream I'M DONE!!!!! and walk away... from every person who has ever been a half-ass friend to me. For every person that has let me down. For every person that has ever disappointed me.

............but doing that, wouldn't be me.

I am THEIR friend. They are NOT mine. Something my mother told me years ago. I will always be a better friend to them, than they are to me. What upsets me, is how ANY can treat someone this way, and call themselves a friend. Maybe they don't see it.. maybe they are too selfish to care.

I am thankful that I live a life where I don't need self-validation from other people. While, yes I would love more 2-way friendships, I am perfectly content with the people in my life I know are my true friends. Everyone else... yeah.. you know who are... I'm not going to call you out. It's not my responsibility for you to be a better friend. That's your own choice.. But it is my responsibility to not allow you to hurt me.

If you can relate to this.. I suggest you do what I do.. and put THEM on notice. We are the friends who love unconditionally, are there at 2am, or at 3pm on a lazy Sunday afternoon.. we are the friends that don't give up on others, we are rare, we are strong, we are resilient.

And when you push us away... we pull you back in.

I highly suggest that you if can't deal with having someone in your life who apparently cares more about you, than you care about yourself... that you kick rocks.