Stand Beside. Not infront of or behind.

Stand Beside a soldier..... Not infront of or behind.

Stand beside a soldier and support them through the thick and thin. Stand beside them and let them know they have someone to lean on, they have someone who will be there for them when the ones they look for are not.

This doesn't apply to significant others. This applies to family... and friends... of a soldier.

Do not stand infront of a soldier, making everything be about you. Honestly, they don't want to hear all about your neighbor's recent surgery, or what you cooked for the week. Grow up and realize that there are more important things than the things you care about. Their worries and concerns are much greater than what you baked today. Take the time to ask how their day was? How they are doing? Don't just make some casual closing remark as if you care about their well being, after you just got done talking about yourself for 15 minutes.

Do not stand behind a soldier, saying you support them but never bother to show it. Deployments tend to bring out the best and worst in people.. so if your true colors haven't shown yet, they will now. If you want communication, you must give it. It goes both ways and NOT just during deployment. If you want to be in CONSTANT communication with a soldier.. don't expect to randomly talk to them before they deploy and then suddenly take an interest in communicating with them once they have deployed and then whine because you don't hear from them.

Deployment. War zones. The middle east. Even I don't watch the news regularly and I know what to expect and what not to expect.

Quit making a soldier's deployment be about you. The only people they have an obligation to contact are their significant others and/or children if they have them. Anyone else who receives any contact during the deployment should feel privileged..and not expect or demand more.

So STAND BESIDE a soldier... do not stand infront of behind.

The reality of it all

An hour and a half in the car today sparked a lot of thoughts amidst the car karaoke. I felt clarity for a brief moment through the clouds that rained on me this morning. I have come to the realization that my own mind is holding me prisoner.

I am a prisoner to the horrible thoughts that visit me when I lay my head on the pillow and try to fall asleep every night. I feel like a paranoid schizophrenic that is trapped in hallucinations every time I have a quiet moment to myself. The truth is I have always forced myself to face the possible realities. What if something happened to my parents, when I was younger. What if something happened to one of my children. What if something happens to my husband. I have never been able to NOT think like this. The way I see it.. is I have to prepare myself for the what if.. because if I don't.. and something happens.. I will be that person that completely snaps because they thought nothing bad could happen.

Now don't get me wrong.. I don't consume myself with morbid thoughts... but as things change.. distance separates us more and more.. it is really hard to not let the "what if's" impact my thoughts.

I know that there may be days where I have to force myself out of bed. Which is horrible enough for me to admit because I am a mom.. and my children need me. But the truth is, there is no one to pick me up, hold my hand, wipe my tears and tell me everything will be ok. No one knows that everything will be ok. We say that because we need have to have something to fill the void.

So while I appreciate the hugs.. the support.. the prayers... know that what I really need is to find a way to come to terms with everything in my own way.. on my own time. I am a military wife. I may never be fully prepared for the car to pull up infront of my house; or that phone call in the middle of the night... and this is my way of coping with the reality that these are potential outcomes that come with this lifestyle. I know it's so much easier to say "just live every day"... but telling me not to worry.. is like telling a nun not to pray. (I know.. ironic analogy..shut it.)

I knew what we signed up for.. I knew when we made this decision together. I just never anticipated it to all happen so quickly. But it did.. and I am dealing with it. Maybe not in the way that everyone sees fit.. but in a way that works for me.. for now. As my friend... as my family.. as someone who supports me... know that what works for me is allowing myself to wallow in self pitty when I feel the need; shutting the world out until I feel like a functioning member of society again; or not answering your calls because I know that hearing your voice may be the straw that breaks what little strength I have found that day.

I am broken. I am alone. I am beyond scared.

I am strong. I am a fighter. I am and have always been, a survivor.

This is the reality of it all.

It's just one of those days.

It has been forever and a day since I have written... and obviously that is not the best thing for me. I feel like I have so much bottled up, I end up taking it out on someone through a random text message that ends up becoming some 10 page text message. So here I am. My fingers are flying faster than I can think..and like always... I don't back space... unless it is some horrible typo.

My life is not simple. Makes sense because I have never been considered a simple person. The other day my mom told... I have always had the wild horse spirit and need to run free. Wow, that applies to so many things in my life.

At times I wonder why we are put on the paths that lead us to where we are. But I learned a long time ago not to question why things happen. I hate the "everything happens for a reason" crap because it's lame. It's true.. but the saying is just so cliche. Without the things we go through we wouldn't be the people we are today. I believe that. I feel that. But at what point does all the extra garbage just become unnecessary?

I mean really. How much hurt can one person endure? How much hurt can one person put another one through before they realize that they are literally f'ing that person up? Words hurt people. Actions hurt people. Just because you think it's no big deal, doesn't mean that there isn't someone else out there who could negatively be affected by it.

For every action there is a reaction. Why people are surprised when my reaction is some monstrous blow up.. I have no clue. Do you NOT know me? Do you NOT realize that I love deep, I hurt deep? Stand in front of a mirror. Look at the person you are so proud to call YOU. Keep looking...

Now look at me.

What's different? Other than obvious you are you, I am me...

The things YOU do.. I would NEVER do. I put people before myself. STORY OF MY LIFE. I give uncontrollably. I love unconditionally. Because I choose to not turn my head to some lame action on your part doesn't make me insensitive and unable to love you unconditionally. It means I am disappointed in you. I expect more from you. I believe that you are more than the selfish actions you so easily display.

But none of this means anything. I could literally sit and scream at the top of my lungs how bad your actions hurt me.... I've done it... and nothing I say or do gets through to you. NOTHING. Because he we are.. all this time later... you are still doing you... and I am still doing everyone else but me. This is a vicious cycle that honestly I should have stopped a long time ago. But like always.. I thought I could fix it. I thought I could change it.

The truth is.. no matter how hard you love someone.. it's never enough. Especially if they don't love themselves half as hard. I am fighting a war with myself at this point because I am the only one who seems to give a damn.