Inside this deployment

I have been needing to get this out.. and well with all the recent homecomings and send offs in my newsfeed, I can't take it anymore. I gotta get this out there.

This is one time I can tell you, be judgemental. Judge me. Because I really think there is something wrong with me and I am trying to find it. I am trying to see what it is.

I miss my husband. Don't get me wrong. I love him dearly. I miss waking up next to him.. kicking him in the middle of the night bc he is snoring and I can't fall asleep... yelling at him about his stupid xbox games.. giving him the look because he didn't dump the coffee grounds...the horrible smell of his coffee in the morning.. the smell of his cologne after he walks out of the bathroom.. or the fresh piece of gum kiss I get when he walks in the door from work because he is trying to cover up that he had a cigarette ;)... I miss all of that...

Yes this deployment has been hard.. it has been stressful... I guarantee that all the things with the kids would not be nearly as hard as they have been, if I had him here. Because it is 2 people fighting these battles. It is 2 people working together as a team to keep the family in tact. When he's gone, I am taking on the work of 2 people, and that is what weighs so heavy on me.

That being said. I occasionally cry because I am stressed out. I can't take it anymore. I need a break. I need relief. I need things to JUST GET BETTER. I need things to turn around... and I have a weak moment and I fall apart just a little....

But I DO NOT sit and cry my eyes out because my husband is gone. I see people post how much they miss their soldier.. they just want him home.. they are lost without him, etc etc... this isn't about those post. I wish I had those feelings. BUT I DON'T. Of course I want my husband home. However, the way I see it.. he is at work. He is not gone because he chose to leave ME for a year. He chose to serve this deployment for a year which requires him to be gone. The tears I shed are out of frustration. Out of a loss for answers. But not because I can't get through another day without my husband.

I feel like that is cold and heartless. However the preconceived ideas that people have and seem to of convinced themselves about me, couldn't be further from the truth. I accept my husbands deployment 100%. I am unhappy and frustrated with many things that have gone on.. and they are not those of my husband's actions nor are they part of the whole "Army lifestyle" that I should just suck up. They are unit specific and did not exist til he transfered to the unit that was deploying.

Regardless of my frustrations and feelings, they are MINE to feel. No one is anyone to tell me how I can feel and how I shouldn't feel. However if you are going to judge me, know the facts. ALL of them. Before you even consider saying I am unsupportive, self-centered, angry, an "attention whore", all the fabulous comments that fly around about me. Oh and I can't forget "being a disgrace to my husband".

He is doing his job. I am trying VERY hard to do mine. However people love to put themselves in the way of other people's success. I guarantee you things you be less difficult for me if I didn't have to keep hurdling over all the crap people want to throw at me.

Little known fact... I ran 100m and 300m hurdles in high school. Bring it.

As far as how I feel.. I don't know if it is normal. I don't know if it is normal for me to not cry and long for my husband. I want my family together just as much as the next person.. but what does crying about it for a year do for anyone? For me it would just make me feel like crap. But the fact that I don't have days where I don't want to get out of bed and mope around the house SOLELY because I miss him.. is that normal? Because THAT does not happen to me.

(again I am saying NOTHING about anyone who MAY feel like this... I just feel guilty that I DON'T feel like this)